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Season 3, Episode 3 | I Don't Like Puns

February 04, 2021 Kendon Luscher Season 3 Episode 3
Ad Read
Season 3, Episode 3 | I Don't Like Puns
Chapters
0:00
Intro
0:33
Cassandra!
7:10
The Radio Shack
12:43
Infiltrating The Power Plant
16:00
A Whole New World
22:53
Where's The Moon Prince?
26:22
Surgery
29:08
Many Years Have Passed
30:55
Nice Tree
33:53
Try Not To Kill Him
35:51
Outro
Ad Read
Season 3, Episode 3 | I Don't Like Puns
Feb 04, 2021 Season 3 Episode 3
Kendon Luscher

Welcome to the Ad Read podcast, a podcast where we read ads.

Disclaimer: Any references to products/companies real or fake reflect our opinion alone and not the opinion of the companies in question. This is especially true of the fake companies, who can be real assholes about this sort of thing.

Content Warning: This show is built from disturbing situations, violence, swearing and a healthy mocking of capitalism. While our intention is satire, any portrayal of unspeakable evil, abuse, neglect and general darkness can still be triggering for people who have experienced those things themselves. If this is you, we support you, but you may not want to listen to our show.

Subscribe to Ad Read in these places:

Apple | Spotify | Amazon | Stitcher | TuneIn | Google | Android


The Moon Prince has been missing ever since The Computer God banished him to a digital void. His only two friends set off to find him with nothing but a box of clues and a few leads.

Check out these credits:

Cast
Cassandra: Tal Minear (they/them) of Sidequesting, Someone Dies In This Elevator and Parazonium Podcasts  | Tal's audio fiction site
Rankus: Jon Robertson (he/him)
Doug/Moon Prince/Angelo/Various Characters/Jimmy: Kendon Luscher (he/him)
Shop Keeper/Various Characters: And Hollenbach (they/them)
Adoptive Mom/Various Characters: Elena Hark (she/her)
Adoptive Dad/Various Characters: Brian Roesler (he/him) of The Illegal Screen and Treblezine

Writers
This episode was written by Kendon Luscher with additional writing by Jon Robertson.

Sound Editing by Kendon Luscher

Soundtrack
by Kendon Luscher

Ad Read Logo by Sammy (twitter).

Sound Effects (check our show website for a full list of sound effects used in this episode)

Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

Welcome to the Ad Read podcast, a podcast where we read ads.

Disclaimer: Any references to products/companies real or fake reflect our opinion alone and not the opinion of the companies in question. This is especially true of the fake companies, who can be real assholes about this sort of thing.

Content Warning: This show is built from disturbing situations, violence, swearing and a healthy mocking of capitalism. While our intention is satire, any portrayal of unspeakable evil, abuse, neglect and general darkness can still be triggering for people who have experienced those things themselves. If this is you, we support you, but you may not want to listen to our show.

Subscribe to Ad Read in these places:

Apple | Spotify | Amazon | Stitcher | TuneIn | Google | Android


The Moon Prince has been missing ever since The Computer God banished him to a digital void. His only two friends set off to find him with nothing but a box of clues and a few leads.

Check out these credits:

Cast
Cassandra: Tal Minear (they/them) of Sidequesting, Someone Dies In This Elevator and Parazonium Podcasts  | Tal's audio fiction site
Rankus: Jon Robertson (he/him)
Doug/Moon Prince/Angelo/Various Characters/Jimmy: Kendon Luscher (he/him)
Shop Keeper/Various Characters: And Hollenbach (they/them)
Adoptive Mom/Various Characters: Elena Hark (she/her)
Adoptive Dad/Various Characters: Brian Roesler (he/him) of The Illegal Screen and Treblezine

Writers
This episode was written by Kendon Luscher with additional writing by Jon Robertson.

Sound Editing by Kendon Luscher

Soundtrack
by Kendon Luscher

Ad Read Logo by Sammy (twitter).

Sound Effects (check our show website for a full list of sound effects used in this episode)

 INT: A TYPICAL SUBURBAN HOME

ADOPTIVE FATHER

Cassandra! Come down! Breakfast is ready!

CASSANDRA

One moment! I’m still getting ready!

ADOPTIVE MOTHER (TO ADOPTIVE FATHER)

Getting ready for what? It’s the weekend.

ADOPTIVE FATHER (TO ADOPTIVE MOTHER)

I’m not sure… Maybe she joined a team of some kind?

ADOPTIVE MOTHER

That would be nice. She didn’t say anything to me about any team, though.

ADOPTIVE FATHER

You know how kids are.

SFX: FEET POUNDING DOWN THE STAIRS FOLLOWED BY A DOOR OPENING

ADOPTIVE MOTHER

Hold on! Cassandra!

SFX: RUNNING TO THE DOOR

ADOPTIVE MOTHER

Are you going to eat breakfast? Your father made pancakes.

CASSANDRA

No.

ADOPTIVE FATHER

Can you tell us where you’re going?

(A PAUSE)

And with such a full backpack?

CASSANDRA

No.

ADOPTIVE MOTHER (SCOLDING)

Cassandra, you have to tell us where you’re going. We’re your parents.

ADOPTIVE FATHER

And we just want to know you’ll be safe.

CASSANDRA

You are not my parents.

(A PAUSE)

You did try your hardest, though.

ADOPTIVE FATHER (SHOCKED)

Cassandra!

ADOPTIVE MOTHER

Cassandra! Come back!

ADOPTIVE MOTHER AND FATHER

Cassandra! Cassandra!

(HAVE THEM REPEATEDLY YELLING HER NAME AFTER HER)

EXT: A SUBURBAN NEIGHBORHOOD

SFX: A CLICK AND TAPE HISS

MOON PRINCE

Cassy, if you are listening to this, I’ve either gone missing or I’m bored with this simulation. I’ve set up a dead man’s switch to automatically send this message to you if I don’t log in to turn it off once every three days.

Three days must have passed. I trust you and only you to find me. You’re… you’re the only one who cares enough about me to do it.

I don’t know what you need to know to find me, so I’ll tell you why I set up the dead man’s switch in the first place and who can help you find me.

Look, I did something dangerous. I wanted to alter some of the files in your simulation, but I had to do it without alerting the Sun God. I may have used a cracked version of this game to make those changes without it showing up in the changelog.

That part is unimportant. What you need to know is the hacked version removes some of the safeguards that stop real people from being trapped in the game. So, if I’m missing, that means I’m trapped in some simulated reality, but who has trapped me, I don’t know.

Either that or I got bored and stopped playing. In that case, looking for me is a huge waste of time, but it’s not like you have something better to do. You’re a fucking simuloid after all.

………

But you’re my favorite simuloid. Okay, I’m probably trapped in the simulation. That’s what I’m saying.

Listen closely because even if I don’t know where I am or who trapped me here, I know a way you can find me.

It was probably my fucking sister the Sun God, though. Like, what’s her goddamn problem? She’s always trying to prove she’s the one in charge here, but that’s total bullshit. The Moon Prince is the ultimate power! The Moon Prince will be the one to conquer every world and destroy each and every simulation she makes. Then she will have to admit I am the superior entity – even in her own simulation!

Bwhahaha!

SFX: IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS RANT, SOMEONE INTERRUPTS CASSANDRA’S LISTENING, AND SHE EVENTUALLY CLICKS IT OFF.

DOUG

Hey, Cassandra! Cassandra! Hey!

CASSANDRA

Huh? What is it?

DOUG

What are you listening to?

CASSANDRA

Nothing.

DOUG

Sounds like someone is really worked up.

CASSANDRA

It’s just a voicemail from my dad.

DOUG

I thought your parents were both dead.

CASSANDRA

My adoptive dad.

DOUG

Huh. I didn’t know he could get that worked up.

CASSANDRA

He’s pretty weird.

DOUG

What’s he mad about?

CASSANDRA

That’s none of your business, Doug… Say, do you want to make a few bucks?

DOUG

Depends. What do I have to do?

CASSANDRA

Do your parents have a shovel?

DOUG

Yeah…

CASSANDRA

Get it and meet me at the path outside the woods in that little park in Austin Estates.

DOUG

That’s on the other side of town!

CASSANDRA

You meet me there and help me dig, and I’ll give you twenty bucks.

DOUG

How about thirty?

CASSANDRA

I would sooner dig with my hands than pay you thirty bucks for anything.

DOUG

Twenty-five?

CASSANDRA

Nevermind, Doug.

DOUG

How about twenty?

CASSANDRA

Deal.

SFX: A CLICK AND TAPE HISS

MOON PRINCE

I buried some money and blackmail material under the tallest tree in Anna Dean Park. You can use $50 to pay someone to dig for you if you want. Set aside a few hundred for travel expenses. At least $2,000, you’ll offer to Angelo Benedict who runs a Radioshack on Greenwich Road. The blackmail material is also for him. You won’t be able to find me without him.

SFX: THE TAPE CLICKS OFF

DOUG

I got the shovel!

CASSANDRA

I can see that.

DOUG

Soooo…

CASSANDRA

Just follow me.

MUSIC CUE: SOME SWEET TRAVELING MUSIC. SOMETHING LIKE A SMOG SONG. THE SONG WILL COME BACK, EXPANDED UPON, THROUGHOUT THE EPISODE.

EXT: THE MIDDLE OF ANNA DEAN PARK

CASSANDRA

Under this tree.

DOUG

Where should I start digging?

CASSANDRA

I would say the giant X would be a good start.

SFX: SHOVELING/DIGGING SOUNDS

DOUG

Weird nobody’s dug this up before. Hey, “dug”, hahaha. Like my name!

MUSIC CUE: THE TRAVELING MUSIC AGAIN BUT IT’S ABOUT DIGGING.

SFX: THE SHOVEL HITS SOMETHING HARD

CASSANDRA

Pull it out.

SFX: DOUG GRUNTS AND PULLS IT OUT. THE HINGES SQUEAK AS THEY OPEN THE BOX THEY DUG UP.

DOUG

Wow, some money… Some cassette tapes… Papers… Maps… A gun??? Why is there a gun in here?

CASSANDRA

Let me see that.

SFX: A CLICK AS SHE TAKES OUT THE MAGAZINE AND THEN A CLICK AS IT GOES BACK IN PLACE

DOUG

Why do you have a gun? And why was it buried in the ground? Cassandra… What’s… what’s going on with you?

CASSANDRA

I’ll answer that in reverse order.

What’s going on is I’m searching for the only person in the world who ever understood me. This gun is buried in the ground so it would be hidden. And I am currently holding it and pointing it at you because I’m going to shoot you in the head as soon as you finish asking why I’m going to shoot you in the head.

DOUG

Why… why are you going to shoot me? Cassandra, pl-

SFX: A GUN SHOT, CUTTING OFF DOUG’S PATHETIC PLEAS

CASSANDRA

I don’t like puns.

SFX: A GUN DROPPING IN THE BOX AND THEN THE BOX CLICKING CLOSED AND THE TAPE CLICKING ON AND HISSING

MOON PRINCE

Angelo has a device that should allow you to track me. Everyone in this simulation has a unique key that identifies them, even those of us from the real world. That should show you where I am and where I’ve been.

When you get to Radioshack, play the tape for Angelo and tell him he has two choices. He can make some money or he can watch his life fall apart around him. If that doesn’t get him to help you, take the gun out of the box and shoot him dead. Fuck that guy.

In that circumstance, you’ll have to read the instructions for the device and use it yourself. That’s not preferable. The device sucks to use.

INT: A RADIOSHACK

SFX:  A SHOP DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING WITH THAT STEREOTYPICAL BELL/DING THAT HAPPENS

ANGELO

Can I help you?

CASSANDRA

Yeah, one minute….

Blackmail tape… blackmail tape… where are you, blackmail tape?

SFX: CASSANDRA PLACES DOWN THE BOX AND FUMBLES THROUGH THE CONTENTS. FINALLY, SHE FINDS A TAPE LABELED “BLACKMAIL”

CASSANDRA

Here it is. Blackmail.

SFX: A TAPE POPS INTO THE PLAYER, A CLICK AND HISS.

MOON PRINCE

All my biggest fears and most embarrassing secrets volume 1.

Once, in Mrs. Henley’s geometry class, I was called on when I had a-

SFX: TAPE CLICKING OFF

CASSANDRA

That’s not it…

ANGELO

So, you’re friends with the Moon Prince?

CASSANDRA

Yeah. Hold on a moment, I have to find a different tape.

ANGELO

How’s he doing these days?

CASSANDRA

Not great. He’s missing, and I’m trying to find him. Just give me one sec, I’m looking… for…

ANGELO

Missing, huh? You know, he gave me this device once that tracks anyone you want. I’d just need his special code.

CASSANDRA

Wait, you want to help me?

ANGELO

Yeah, the Moon Prince is good people. He’s given me all kinds of devices and gadgets. It’s why we’re the only Radioshack still open.

CASSANDRA

I was going to blackmail you into helping me.

ANGELO

Well, I don’t really know how to respond to that, but I’d be willing to help you without getting blackmailed.

CASSANDRA

But I kind of want to blackmail you now.

ANGELO

Hmmm. I suppose I understand that. It’s not often you get the opportunity to blackmail someone.

CASSANDRA

Yeah…

ANGELO

Yeah…

CASSANDRA

So, can I just do it?

ANGELO

How about this? I think I know what’s on whatever tape you were trying to find to blackmail me. Consider me blackmailed.

CASSANDRA

But I kind of want to say it…

ANGELO

You want to actually threaten me with blackmail?

CASSANDRA

I kind of do.

ANGELO (SIGHING)

Go ahead and threaten me.

CASSANDRA

Listen, dickweed. If you don’t help me find the Moon Prince, I will play whatever is on that tape I can’t find for whoever you don’t want to know your secret.

ANGELO

Okay, I’m blackmailed.

CASSANDRA

Good.

ANGELO

I assume you have his code?

CASSANDRA

It’s written down right here.

SFX: PAPER SOUNDS!!!

ANGELO

Okay, just give me a second to…

SFX: BLEEPS AND BLOOPS WHILE ANGELO ENTERS THE INFORMATION

ANGELO

Well, shit.

(HE SIGHS)

Are you up for some detective work?

CASSANDRA

Always.

ANGELO

Good. I have tracking data on every place he’s ever been, but it just stops three days ago.

CASSANDRA

And what does that mean?

ANGELO

It means he disappeared.

CASSANDRA

Could he be dead?

ANGELO

He could be… anything, I guess. Under normal circumstances, this device would tell us if he’s dead. Not that he can really die. You know we live in a simulation, right?

CASSANDRA

I’m aware.

ANGELO

And you know the Moon Prince is from the real world?

CASSANDRA

I am also aware.

ANGELO

If someone from the real world dies here, they wake up back in the real world. At least, that’s what the Moon Prince told me.

CASSANDRA

Could anything mess that up? He told me he did something to the program that runs the simulation, something that makes the program less safe. Could he die in here, which would make him die in the real world?

ANGELO

The short answer is I don’t know. The long answer is I don’t know, but that sounds like some incredibly stupid bullshit. I would doubt anything would work like that.

I mean... what? You die in a simulation and your brain thinks you died so it just… stops working? That makes no sense.

CASSANDRA

Okay. You don’t have to be a dick about it.

ANGELO

You just blackmailed me a few minutes ago. I don’t think you can lecture me on being a dick.

CASSANDRA

I’m just a kid.

ANGELO (SARCASTICALLY)

Oh, you’re just a kid? I didn’t realize. That’s my fault. In that case, why don’t you go out and murder someone today and get away with it.

CASSANDRA

I already did. The murder part, that is. I’m not sure about the getting away with it part yet.

ANGELO

Sure.

Anyway, the even longer explanation is we have no way of knowing what happened to him. He disappeared, but it didn’t say he exited the program or went somewhere else or anything. That’s not supposed to happen. The tracker is supposed to, well… track. As in, it tracks everything.

CASSANDRA

In that case, I have three guesses.

My first guess is someone or something powerful within the simulation took him somewhere and was able to hide their tracks. My second guess is the Moon Prince himself hid somewhere and covered his tracks. My third guess is he died in real life, and that somehow made him disappear from the program altogether.

Do you think my third guess is possible? If someone from actual reality died in actual reality, would they disappear from the program?

ANGELO

Not only does that seem possible, but it seems to me that’s the most likely reason for his disappearance.

CASSANDRA

I think it’s the first one. Let’s hope we’re both wrong.

ANGELO

You think someone took him? The only person who would be powerful enough to do that would be…

CASSANDRA

His enemy. The Sun God.

ANGELO

Right.

CASSANDRA

About that detective work. Let’s start by going to his last known location.

ANGELO

Based on the Moon Prince’s data, he kept traveling to all these different worlds. The last place he visited wasn’t in our world.

CASSANDRA

How do we get there?

ANGELO

He left a clear pattern. There’s a place he keeps visiting right before hopping to a different world.

CASSANDRA

Like a crossroads between worlds.

ANGELO

Like a station between worlds.

CASSANDRA

And this is a place we can go to ourselves?

ANGELO

I don’t know. I think so. In every single reality, he accesses this place from the same location within the nuclear power plant. It seems that whatever this station is, it’s powered by…

CASSANDRA

…the reactor.

Let’s go.

MUSIC CUE: TRAVELING MUSIC AGAIN

EXT: THE POWER PLANT

CASSANDRA (WHISPERING)

This place is really well guarded.

ANGELO (ALSO WHISPERING)

I guess it would have to be. Some psychos could break into the power plant and blow up the entire town.

CASSANDRA (WHISPERING)

We’ll have to come up with a plan… Do you have anything?

RANKUS

Ranky Danky man here.

CASSANDRA (WHISPERING BUT IN THAT WHISPER-SCREAMING WAY)

Be quiet!

RANKUS

What?

ANGELO (ALSO WHISPER-SCREAMING)

Please, keep your voice down.

RANKUS

Christ, and what are you doing outside?

ANGELO

Being quiet.

RANKUS

What do you mean?

CASSANDRA

We’re telling you to be quiet!

RANKUS

I don’t need to be quiet. Don’t ever silence the voice of truth!

CASSANDRA

Just shut up!

RANKUS

You think I’m going to be quiet?

CASSANDRA

We hope so!

RANKUS

This is whispering. I am clearly whispering.

SFX: RUSTLING AS RANKUS STANDS UP AND WALKS TOWARD THE POWER PLANT

RANKUS (SHOUTING)

Hello guards!

Oh god!

SFX: THE GUARDS VERY MUCH SHOOTING RANKUS DEAD

ANGELO (WHISPERING)

That probably ruined our chances to sneak in. They’re going to have this place locked up tight.

CASSANDRA (WHISPERING)

Then we take the place by force.

SFX: CASSANDRA COCKS HER GUN AND STARTS SHOOTING WITH GRUNTS AND SCREAMS FROM THE DYING GUARDS WHILE SHE SHOUTS OUT COOL CATCH PHRASES, WHICH I WILL WRITE FOLLOWING THIS SFX NOTE

CASSANDRA (SOUNDING BADASS)

React to this!

How about you secure this bullet in your head!

Guard these bullets with your life!

Don’t have a meltdown!

I hope your family doesn’t miss you!

Don’t worry, security guards are just people who were too stupid to become cops, so I am positive you won’t notice that I’ve blown your brains out!

(IF YOU WANT, THROW IN YOUR OWN CATCH PHRASES -- IT’S REALLY MORE ABOUT SAYING THEM WITH CONFIDENCE THAN HAVING THEM BE ACTUALLY GOOD)

SECURITY GUARDS

No!

Arggh!

Don’t shoot!

I am a single father, and my children depend on me!

Not in the face!

Please don’t! You can go right in!

We’re putting down our guns!

Why do you keep shooting us in the crotch before you shoot us in the head?

This is just like my premonition!

ANGELO (WORRIED)

How are you so good at this?

CASSANDRA

Must be the gun. I think about where I want the bullets to hit before I pull the trigger, and they go exactly where I want.

ANGELO

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit… Are you… does this thing not run out of bullets?

CASSANDRA

Doesn’t seem so. Why? Do you want me to stop shooting?

ANGELO

Kind of. Yeah.

CASSANDRA

Too late.

ANGELO

You are the scariest preteen girl I’ve ever met.

CASSANDRA

First of all, I am thirteen.

ANGELO

 I stand corrected.

CASSANDRA

Second of all, it’s clear many years have passed since you’ve been in middle school.

ANGELO

Okay.

(AN AWKWARD PAUSE)

What are you implying here? I’m not that old. I remember what middle school was like.

CASSANDRA

You’re extremely old. That’s the main thing. But more relevant to this conversation is you think I’m scarier than other girls my age. I assure you I am not.

ANGELO

I’m only 33.

CASSANDRA

Really?

ANGELO

Yeah.

CASSANDRA

That sucks for you.

(A PAUSE SO SHE CAN MAKE THE NEXT LINE HIT AS HARD AS POSSIBLE)

I thought you were 52.

ANGELO

Can you please just… kill fewer people?

CASSANDRA

None of these people are real.

ANGELO

Because we live in a simulation?

CASSANDRA

Exactly.

ANGELO

That means you and I aren’t real.

CASSANDRA

We aren’t real.

ANGELO

So, it doesn’t matter if we die?

CASSANDRA

It matters because you and I are going to save someone from the real world.

SFX: SOME COOL REACTOR-Y SOUNDS

ANGELO

I think that’s…

CASSANDRA

The entrance to the station between worlds...

SFX: DOOR OPENING SOUNDS AND THEN WHATEVER IT WOULD SOUND LIKE TO BE INSIDE A SPACE WHERE THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF DOORS THAT ALL LEAD TO DIFFERENT REALITIES.

CASSANDRA

There’s so many doors… Hundreds? Thousands?

ANGELO

I don’t know. The hallway goes on…

CASSANDRA

Forever...

We can assume this is how the Moon Prince traveled to all those worlds, correct?

ANGELO

That seems like a safe assumption.

CASSANDRA

Which door leads to the last place you tracked him?

ANGELO

Follow me.

SFX/MUSIC CUE: Footsteps creating a bit of a cool beat along with fun cartoon-y creeping/slinking music

CASSANDRA

This is exactly how I imagine a haunted house to be.

ANGELO

A bunch of doors?

CASSANDRA

Lifeless.

ANGELO

Here’s our door.

CASSANDRA

I’ll open it.

SFX: DDDDDDDOOOOOOR NOISES

CASSANDRA (BAFFLED)

It’s… it’s empty. Why is it empty?

ANGELO

I don’t know. Here, let’s go to the place he visited before this one. It’s this door right overrrrrr…

Here.

SFX: DOORZ

CASSANDRA

Empty. Let’s try another one.

ANGELO

The place before that is over here.

SFX: DOOR AND MAYBE SOME AMBIENT NOISE THAT TELLS US THIS ISN’T LIFELESS LIKE THE OTHERS -- I’M NOT BIG ON AMBIENCE, BUT MAYBE I’LL TRY THIS ONE ON FOR SIZE AND EXPERIENCE HOW IT FEELS -- I MEAN, THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN IS I DON’T LIKE IT AND DECIDE TO GO IN A DIFFERENT DIRECTION -- NOBODY WOULD BLAME ME FOR THAT, RIGHT?

CASSANDRA

Oh, thank God. After you?

ANGELO

Fine.

CASSANDRA

I wish we thought to take security uniforms off two of the dead guards. We’ll have to kill our way out of the power plant in this shit world.

ANGELO

Please, do not kill anyone.

CASSANDRA

Do you have a better plan?

ANGELO

I’m going to pose as a safety inspector. You pretend to be my daughter.

The back story is you got caught smoking at school, so I had to take you with me.

CASSANDRA

It’s Saturday.

ANGELO

We don’t know if it’s the same day in this reality as it was in our reality.

CASSANDRA

You don’t know it isn’t.

ANGELO

If every reality takes place in a slightly different place and time, reason dictates there is a five in seven chance that it’s a weekday today.

CASSANDRA

I think it’s more likely that the place is different but time is synced across worlds.

ANGELO

You have no reason to believe that other than convenience.

CASSANDRA

Maybe come up with a better back story that doesn’t depend on the day of the week, then.

SECURITY GUARD

Hey! You!

What are you two doing in here? Were you just… in the react…

ANGELO

Sorry, sir. I’m a safety inspector, you see. And this is my daughter.

Our backstory? Well, you see…

SFX: GUN SHOT

ANGELO

Yeah, I blew it.

CASSANDRA

You were saying “you see” a lot.

ANGELO

I probably shouldn’t have used the word “backstory” either.

CASSANDRA

Back to Plan A, then.

SFX: MORE GUN SHOTS AND GRUNT DEATHS AND ALL THAT SHIT

CASSANDRA

That’s all of them.

ANGELO

You killed…

CASSANDRA

All of them. Yup.

Take me to the last place the Moon Prince visited.

ANGELO

I thought the first massacre was… was…

But it was somehow worse the second time.

CASSANDRA

Angelo?

ANGELO

What…?

CASSANDRA

If you’re going to freak out every time I kill a bunch of simuloids, I won’t have much use for you.

ANGELO

Understood.

CASSANDRA

Lead the way.

MUSIC CUE: TRAVEL MUSIC AGAIN

SFX: DOOR OPENING

SHOP KEEP

Welcome to Fredrick Newbert’s Glass Wonderworld!

Be careful of all the glass. It’s made of glass.

CASSANDRA

Very beautiful.

SFX: CASSANDRA PULLING SOMETHING OFF A SHELF

CASSANDRA

How much does this vase cost?

SHOP KEEPER

The price tag is right there… Uh, attached to it.

CASSANDRA

$500? That’s a little expensive for a broken vase.

SFX: GLASS SMASHING

SHOP KEEPER

Hey! You’ll still have to pay full price for that!

ANGELO

What if I glued it back together and let you keep the repaired vase? Would that take a few hundred off the cost of damages?

SHOP KEEPER

I’m open to the idea, but I have to see how well you glue it back together. A lot of people try to glue back together my glass wares, but few have the skill to make it worth my while. How good are you with a glue gun?

ANGELO

Very good. I live to make crafts.

SHOP KEEPER

But have you ever worked with a high-end glue gun? I’m not talking some old grandma glue gun. I’m talking the real deal.

ANGELO

You’re talking the real deal?

SHOP KEEPER

That’s right. Not everyone can handle a truly powerful glue gun.

ANGELO

Is a Mecklenburg: 800 Horsepower, S7 line glue gun powerful enough to impress you?

SHOP KEEPER

You’ve worked with a Mecklenburg: 800 Horsepower, S7?

ANGELO

That’s right.

SHOP KEEPER

Wow. You really know your stuff.

ANGELO

Let’s just say it’s a necessity in my line of work.

SHOP KEEPER

Oh yeah? What’s that? Are you an engineer or something?

ANGELO

Close. I’m the manager of a RadioShack.

SHOP KEEPER

So, you really do know your stuff. You’re, like, a professional.

ANGELO

I don’t want to brag…

CASSANDRA

We aren’t paying for the vase.

SHOP KEEPER

You would have to glue that vase back together so well it looks brand new if you don’t expect to pay a dime.

CASSANDRA

And we’re not paying for this bowl either.

SFX: GLASS BREAKING

CASSANDRA

Or this.

SFX: GLASS BREAKING

CASSANDRA

Or this either.

SFX: GLASS BREAKING

SHOP KEEPER

Hey! What the heck! Stop that! Stop that at once.

CASSANDRA

Oh, I’ll stop.

SFX: GLASS BREAKING

SHOP KEEPER

That’s not stopping!

ANGELO

Cool it, Cassandra!

CASSANDRA

I’ll cool it…

SHOP KEEPER

Thank the Sun God!

CASSANDRA

As soon as you tell us where the Moon Prince is!

SFX: GLASS BREAKING

SHOP KEEPER

Hey!

CASSANDRA

Tell us what we want to know!

SFX: GUN COCKING

CASSANDRA

When was the last time you saw the Moon Prince? Where is he? What do you know?

SHOP KEEPER

Wait, this is about the Moon Prince?

ANGELO (WORRIED)

Just tell us what you know and we’ll be on our way. This girl loves murder, so I’d just spill it.

She even scares me!

CASSANDRA

We know he was here. Either tell us everything you know or I will ruin your pathetic little life.

SHOP KEEPER

He came here to order some specialized glass for a prototype they’re working on at Moon Prince Industries. He sometimes outsourced work to me during the prototype phase.

CASSANDRA

What was the prototype?

SHOP KEEPER

He took it with him. I only added the glass component, I swear!

CASSANDRA

I didn’t ask if he took it with him. I asked what the prototype was.

ANGELO

Anything you know would be a great help. Then, we’ll be on our way.

CASSANDRA

I’m just trying to find my friend.

SHOP KEEPER

It was for a death ray.

CASSANDRA (CHUCKINGLY)

Classic Moon Prince.

ANGELO

Did he mention what he was going to use it for?

SHOP KEEPER

Yeah, he wouldn’t stop talking about it. He was going to use it to blow up some world this guy Jimmy made. When I asked him what he meant by that, he started talking crazy.

CASSANDRA

Let me guess, he told you that we all live in a simulation and none of this is real?

SHOP KEEPER

That’s right. He went on and on about it.

CASSANDRA

It’s true.

SHOP KEEPER

It’s true?

ANGELO

I’m afraid so. We’re from a different simulated reality ourselves.

SHOP KEEPER

Is it better than this one?

ANGELO

Probably not.

CASSANDRA

This one seems better than our reality for sure, but it’s still bad.

SHOP KEEPER

That’s everything I know.

CASSANDRA

Too bad.

SFX: GUN SHOT

ANGELO

Come on! That one was unnecessary.

CASSANDRA

Where to next?

SFX: THE DOOR OPENS AND RANKUS COMES IN

RANKUS

Pop! Pew! Pow! Pop!

Beyond the fake gun shots I just created with my spectacular voice, I also heard gunshots and I want to know some questions.

Who’s straight shooting just like me? You’re not faster than the news I bring, right? You’re not, like the lightspeed fast news.

ANGELO

You’re going to kill him, yeah?

RANKUS

Oh, you’re…

CASSANDRA

Definitely.

RANKUS

You’re doing a thing. I’m sor-

SFX: A GUN SHOT

CASSANDRA (NOTABLY HAPPIER)

Where to next?

ANGELO

The Moon Prince visited a few other places in this reality. Then we have a few more realities he’s been to recently.

MONTAGE OF ANGELO AND CASSANDRA VISITING DIFFERENT PLACES AND REALITIES. A LOT OF DOOR OPENING SOUND EFFECTS AND GUN SHOTS IN THIS ONE. WE’LL USE SOME OF THE FOLLOWING LINES OF DIALOGUE IN THE MONTAGE.

CASSANDRA

Where’s the Moon Prince?

Tell us what we want to know!

Don’t make me shoot you.

Another missing reality…

A missing reality…

This reality’s gone…

ANGELO

Just do what she says! She’s crazy!

Please tell us… she will kill you.

The reality’s gone…

Where… where did all these realities go?

The realities…

PERSON 1

The Moon Prince just made me create a torture machine! That’s all I know! He wanted to hurt some guy named Jimmy!

PERSON 2

He said the penis clamp was for this guy named jimmy!

PERSON 3

He said he wanted someone named Jimmy to smell like farts.

PERSON 4

Jimmy.

PERSON 5

Jimmy.

PERSON 6

It was for a guy named Jimmy.

PERSON 7

Jimmy.

PERSON 8

Jimmy.

RANKUS

Are you two looking for Jimmy?

SFX: GUN SHOTS

CASSANDRA

It’s clear what we have to do.

ANGELO

Find out who this Jimmy guy is.

CASSANDRA

I know who is.

ANGELO

Then why didn’t we track him down after the first two people mentioned his name? We’ve been traveling around asking questions and you know our only lead?

CASSANDRA

He’s my brother. And he sucks.

ANGELO

Back to our own reality, then?

CASSANDRA

He’s not there.

ANGELO

Any chance you know where he is?

CASSANDRA

I have no clue. We’re not close... At least not since he murdered my parents.

ANGELO

Oh wow. I’m so sorry.

CASSANDRA

Then later tried to burn my brother and I alive.

ANGELO

Oh…

CASSANDRA

The Moon Prince saved me from that fire. I had fourth degree burns over most of my body.

ANGELO

But you look…

CASSANDRA

He healed me. He got two very boring people to take care of me and raise me like their own.

ANGELO

Huh. Maybe I misjudged the Moon Prince. All this time, I thought he was evil.

CASSANDRA

No. You were right about him all along. He’s extremely evil. He’s the one who convinced Jimmy to burn our house down in the first place. He probably convinced him to kill my parents, too. Or worse. But he also saved me.

ANGELO

Oh.

CASSANDRA

Do you have any idea how we can find him?

ANGELO

Any chance the Moon Prince included Jimmy’s unique key with all those papers you have there?

SFX: Rustling

CASSANDRA

No.

ANGELO

Then there’s another way, but it’s extremely painful.

CASSANDRA

Will it kill me?

ANGELO

Probably not.

CASSANDRA

Let’s do it.

ANGELO

We’ll have to go back to the RadioShack. The tools I need are there.

MUSIC CUE: TRAVELING MUSIC!

ANGELO

The concept is simple. Every object in the simulation has its own unique key. Even if one blade of grass looks exactly like another blade grass, their codes are different.

But some parts of the code are the same from object to object. All humans have a portion of the code that says they’re humans. That part is identical. If they have the same color hair, that would be identical. And there’s a part of the code indicating family. Your family code and Jimmy’s family code would be identical.

SFX: TOOLS BEING SPREAD OUT ON A TOOL BENCH

CASSANDRA

So, you’re going to find out my family code and use that to search for Jimmy.

ANGELO

Exactly.

CASSANDRA

And how are you going to do that? And why is it so painful?

ANGELO

The how and the why are the same in this case. The Moon Prince is able to easily get anyone’s code, including his own, by looking at some files when he’s at his computer in the real world.

Within the simulation, that’s a little different. Everyone’s code is etched into every single bone on everyone’s body. In case of amputation or whatever…

That means, to find the code…

CASSANDRA (IMPATIENT BUT ALSO A LITTLE AFRAID OF THE PAIN)

Okay. Shut up, shut up, shut up. Where do you need to cut?

ANGELO

Your arm will be fine. Place it here. I’ll have to strap it down.

SFX: CASSANDRA DOING THE THING ANGELO JUST SAID SHE’D HAVE TO DO

CASSANDRA

Have you done this before?

ANGELO

Even though your friend can easily get everyone’s code without hurting anyone…

CASSANDRA

Sometimes he preferred it this way.

ANGELO

We should probably get some sort of pain… shot… or... something… Do you want to wait?

CASSANDRA

Just do it.

SFX: CUTTING AND BLOOD AND CLAMPS AND CASSANDRA SCREAMING IN PAIN, WHICH FADES OUT BEFORE FADING BACK INTO THE NEXT LINE

ADOPTIVE FATHER

Cassandra… Cassandra…

CASSANDRA

What the… Ah, shit.

ADOPTIVE FATHER

We were so worried about you. Doug was found murdered in a park a few days ago, and we didn’t… and then… and we got the call.

ADOPTIVE MOTHER

We thought you might be dead, sweetie.

CASSANDRA

I’m leaving now.

SFX: CASSANDRA GETTING OUT OF BED

ADOPTIVE FATHER

Absolutely not.

ADOPTIVE MOTHER

Honey, you’re not well enough to go anywhere.

CASSANDRA

I killed Doug.

Nobody messed with any of my stuff, right?

ADOPTIVE MOTHER

You did what?

CASSANDRA

My stuff. There should be a box with some papers and stuff in it.

ADOPTIVE FATHER

There’s a box in the closet over there, but we weren’t able to open it…

CASSANDRA

Good. Nobody found my gun, then.

ADOPTIVE MOTHER

Cassandra, what’s going on?

SFX: CASSANDRA WALKING TO THE CLOSET, OPENING IT, OPENING THE BOX AND LOOKING INSIDE

CASSANDRA

Oh good, it’s all here.

ADOPTIVE FATHER

Honey, if you’re in some kind of trouble…

CASSANDRA

I’m okay. I’m going to use this device to find my brother. And I’m going to use this gun to kill anyone who stands in my way. And I’m going to use some of this money to get something to eat before I go.

Is the hospital cafeteria still open?

ADOPTIVE MOTHER

I… I think so. It closes at 9, I think?

ADOPTIVE FATHER

The vending machines are open until 9. The… the… the other…

ADOPTIVE MOTHER

The restaurant part…

ADOPTIVE FATHER

The stuff you order, that closes at 8.

CASSANDRA

What time is it now?

ADOPTIVE FATHER

5:23.

CASSANDRA

Helpful as always. Bye

MUSIC CUE: TRAVELING AGAIN!

EXT: A LONE TREE IN A FIELD THAT IS OTHERWISE EMPTY FOR AS FAR AS ANYONE CAN SEE – JIMMY SITS BENEATH THE TREE

SFX: I DUNNO – OUTDOOR SOUNDS

CASSANDRA

NICE TREE, JIMMY. CAN I SIT WITH YOU?

JIMMY

HOW’D YOU FIND ME?

CASSANDRA

SOME GUY CUT INTO MY ARM. SEE?

RANKUS

Nice tree, jimmy. Can I sit with you, Jimmy? How’d you...

SFX: GUN SHOTS

CASSANDRA

Every time I kill this guy, he comes back!

JIMMY

That’s Rankus. He’s my friend.

CASSANDRA

I should have known he was one of your creations. Why are there so many of him?

JIMMY

I… I like him, is all. He’s curious.

CASSANDRA

Well, he’s dead. This one, at least.

JIMMY

I’ll make another after you leave. He keeps me company.

CASSANDRA

Do you know why I’m here?

JIMMY

To… to hang out with your big brother Jimmy?

CASSANDRA

No.

JIMMY

You want to find the Moon Prince, then.

CASSANDRA

Bingo.

JIMMY

There was a big fight between the Moon Prince and the Sun God. Then… I don’t remember. They… they… they disappeared from right in front of ol’ Jimmy.

CASSANDRA

You have no idea where they went?

JIMMY

No… But I can tell you where everyone went. The Moon Prince was in my reality, and… and… they killed me there. I woke up here, but my simuloids all went somewhere else.

CASSANDRA

And you know where they went?

JIMMY

That’s… that’s… that’s right.

CASSANDRA

How? You just said you died. How do you even know the simulation fell apart?

JIMMY

It’s my simulation. They’re my simuloids. I… I know everything that happened to them. The Moon Prince taught me how.

CASSANDRA

So, who should I talk to and where can I find them?

JIMMY

The only way they could have escaped was through the wormhole to future Barberton. I’ll give you the code to get there. I see you have… have… you have one of the Moon Prince’s tracking devices.

CASSANDRA

It’s how I found you. Who should I find?

JIMMY

The Moon Prince was working with some really… really dangerous people. A guy named Chaz and the producer of Ad Read. I don’t know if they’re the same in Future Barberton as they were in their own world, but… but you can find them there.

CASSANDRA

And that’s all you know?

JIMMY

That’s all I… remember.

CASSANDRA

You’re a lousy brother, but thank you.

JIMMY

Can you do me one favor? Don’t kill the Rankus who lives in this world?

CASSANDRA

I’ll give him a chance.

JIMMY

Thank you.

CASSANDRA

I’ll probably end up killing him, though.

MUSIC CUE: TRAVEL MUSIC

EXT: THE GARBAGE PILE UNDER THE WORMHOLE IN FUTURE BARBERTON

RANKUS

Is this some future starship?

Let’s investigate.

There’s aliens coming out.

There’s aliens.

CASSANDRA

Ahhh crap. It’s Rankus.

RANKUS

Who are you? Where have you been?

THE EPISODE ENDS ON CASSANDRA REPEATING TO HERSELF THE SAME PHRASE OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN

CASSANDRA

Try not to kill him. Try not to kill him. Try not to kill him. Try not to kill him. Try not to kill him. Try not to kill him. Try not to kill him. Try not to kill him. Try not to kill him. Try not to kill him. Try not to kill him. Try not to kill him. Try not to kill him. Try not to kill him. Try not to kill him.

 

 

 



Intro
Cassandra!
The Radio Shack
Infiltrating The Power Plant
A Whole New World
Where's The Moon Prince?
Surgery
Many Years Have Passed
Nice Tree
Try Not To Kill Him
Outro