Ad Read

Season 3, Episode 2 | Scumbags From A Different World

January 14, 2021 Kendon Luscher Season 3 Episode 2
Ad Read
Season 3, Episode 2 | Scumbags From A Different World
Chapters
0:00
Intro
0:32
Group Therapy
11:13
Beverley Winchester
13:56
Weird Butt
26:45
Mayor Oranges
33:03
Outro
Ad Read
Season 3, Episode 2 | Scumbags From A Different World
Jan 14, 2021 Season 3 Episode 2
Kendon Luscher

Welcome to the Ad Read podcast, a podcast where we read ads.

Disclaimer: Any references to products/companies real or fake reflect our opinion alone and not the opinion of the companies in question. This is especially true of the fake companies, who can be real assholes about this sort of thing.

Content Warning: This show is built from disturbing situations, violence, swearing and a healthy mocking of capitalism. While our intention is satire, any portrayal of unspeakable evil, abuse, neglect and general darkness can still be triggering for people who have experienced those things themselves. If this is you, we support you, but you may not want to listen to our show.

Subscribe to Ad Read in these places:

Apple | Spotify | Amazon | Stitcher | TuneIn | Google | Android


We have a right to listen into this group therapy session, but have you given blood today? Think about it.

Check out these credits:

Cast
Rankus: Jon Robertson (he/him)
Sheila (Original and Double): Cheru (she/her)
Chaz-Kendon/Kendon (Original)/Genie/Narrator: Kendon Luscher (he/him)
Chaz (Original): Chaz Everett as himself (he/him)
Amantha (Original and Double): Emily (she/her)
Beverley Winchester: And Hollenbach (they/them)
Abagail Reeves: Elena Hark (she/her)
Spud/Mike/Mayor Oranges: Brian Roesler (he/him) of The Illegal Screen and Treblezine

Writers
This episode was written by Kendon Luscher with additional writing by Jon Robertson. Mayor Oranges Campaign Ad written by Brian Roesler with additional writing by Jon Robertson.

Sound Editing by Kendon Luscher

Soundtrack
by Kendon Luscher

Ad Read Logo by Sammy (twitter).

Sound Effects

Check our show website for a
full list of sound effects used in this episode

Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

Welcome to the Ad Read podcast, a podcast where we read ads.

Disclaimer: Any references to products/companies real or fake reflect our opinion alone and not the opinion of the companies in question. This is especially true of the fake companies, who can be real assholes about this sort of thing.

Content Warning: This show is built from disturbing situations, violence, swearing and a healthy mocking of capitalism. While our intention is satire, any portrayal of unspeakable evil, abuse, neglect and general darkness can still be triggering for people who have experienced those things themselves. If this is you, we support you, but you may not want to listen to our show.

Subscribe to Ad Read in these places:

Apple | Spotify | Amazon | Stitcher | TuneIn | Google | Android


We have a right to listen into this group therapy session, but have you given blood today? Think about it.

Check out these credits:

Cast
Rankus: Jon Robertson (he/him)
Sheila (Original and Double): Cheru (she/her)
Chaz-Kendon/Kendon (Original)/Genie/Narrator: Kendon Luscher (he/him)
Chaz (Original): Chaz Everett as himself (he/him)
Amantha (Original and Double): Emily (she/her)
Beverley Winchester: And Hollenbach (they/them)
Abagail Reeves: Elena Hark (she/her)
Spud/Mike/Mayor Oranges: Brian Roesler (he/him) of The Illegal Screen and Treblezine

Writers
This episode was written by Kendon Luscher with additional writing by Jon Robertson. Mayor Oranges Campaign Ad written by Brian Roesler with additional writing by Jon Robertson.

Sound Editing by Kendon Luscher

Soundtrack
by Kendon Luscher

Ad Read Logo by Sammy (twitter).

Sound Effects

Check our show website for a
full list of sound effects used in this episode

Segment 1: Group Therapy

INT: THE DOUBLES SUPPORT GROUP

FX: Crowd murmuring/chatter

 

SHEILA O (THERAPIST)

Okay, hi. Yes, hey there. Um, hello. Yes. Hi. Okay. Yes. Everyone? Hello. Hi.

(Everyone has already shut up. Sheila is just trying to get the attention of people who are already paying attention to her.)

SHEILA O

Can I have your attention? Everyone? Hi? Yes. Hello. Hi. Perfect. Can everyone take a seat?

(Silence.)

CHAZ/KENDON D

We’ve been sitting for an hour already. Like, since you told us to sit an hour ago.

SHEILA O

Okay, I didn’t ask for your attitude, you other dimensional piece of shit. So maybe just can it. Okay?

CHAZ O

I can’t believe they’re claiming he’s my double.

SHEILA O

I feel you, and I understand you, and I hate it, too, but shut the fuck up so we can get this meeting over with. We’re already running an hour late.

Anyway, welcome to the doubles support group. It seems that a new group of scumbags from a different world came through the wormhole, so now we all have to be here. Isn’t that lovely?

My job is to guide the originals and their doubles so they can figure out how to deal with this new, unwanted situation. I usually suggest that the doubles just kill themselves to save all of us from their filthy, awful existence, but a bunch of pro-doubles activists keep complaining about the doubles suicide rate. So now I have to explore all options.

CHAZ O

Despicable.

SHEILA O

I know, but it’s out of my hands.

Here’s what we’ll do. Let’s start by having the originals introduce themselves and their doubles. And maybe say what you would like from your double, including how you would like them to die. Or whatever. Because I can’t force anyone’s double to die. Apparently.

You first, miss.

AMANTHA O

What do you think of when you think of a double? Luxury? Fashion? Essential oils that smell like banana peels? How about a double who is all of the above?

Amantha here. I want to introduce everyone to my double Amantha.

AMANTHA D

Thanks, Amantha. In my old reality, I started the lifestyle brand Absolutely Amantha, and I became synonymous with extravagance.

AMANTHA O

That’s right, Amantha. But now that there are two Amanthas, we felt like the Absolutely Amantha name does not adequately represent the level of refinement our customers can expect from twice as many Amanthas.

AMANTHA D

You said it, Amantha. And that’s why we are proud to announce Absolutely Amantha is now called…

AMANTHA O AND D

Absolutely Amanthas!

AMANTHA D

Twice the Amanthas.

AMANTHA O

For twice the luxury!

SHEILA O

So, you’re starting a business together.

AMANTHA O AND D

Correct.

SHEILA O (sarcastically)

Awesome.

CHAZ O

Can I go now? I have a lot of thoughts about my terrible double.

SHEILA O

That would be wonderful. So, what’s your name, who is your double and what makes your double the absolute worst?

CHAZ O

My name is Chaz. I’ve been voted handsomest man in Barberton for ten years straight, and honestly, I’m offended this asshole over here is even considered my double.

SHEILA O

You’re pointing at… Oh. Ohhhhh. This is the weird situation, right?

CHAZ O

Right. I share a double with Kendon.

SHEILA O

How exactly does that work?

CHAZ O

You notice how my double is as smoking hot as I am, right?

And if this loser were really my double, I would almost go for it, but this guy is not a true double. He has my body but a different mind… and voice? For some reason his voice is different from mine, too. It’s worse, more annoying.

SHEILA O

Right, right. According to my notes, it’s your body, Chaz, and it’s….

KENDON O

And it’s my mind.

SHEILA O

Ew, and who are you?

KENDON O

Kendon.

SHEILA O

You’re disgusting. Looks-wise, I mean. Just an absolutely hideous person. I hate looking at you. I hate it. I hate it and I hate you.

CHAZ O

And his personality is even worse. That’s the problem. This “double” came in here looking like me but his mind and voice are just… not good. It’s ruining my entire vibe. I would like this double to kill himself immediately.

KENDON O

I would also like our double…

CHAZ O

Not “our” double.

KENDON O

…okay… I would also like him to kill himself. He’s so good looking. I can’t compete with that. I need him gone.

CHAZ/KENDON D

As their double, can I say something?

CHAZ O

No.

KENDON O

Fuck that.

SHEILA O

Yeah, shut the fuck up, Chaz-Kendon.

CHAZ/KENDON D

This isn’t even what I was going to say, but can I just be called “Kendon”? Being called both names is a bit much.

CHAZ O

I’m for that. “Kendon” it is. That means he’s not my double anymore, right?

KENDON O

Not a chance. Listen, he looks like you. Even if you claim he isn’t your double, everyone is going to mistake him for you when they see him around town. He should only be called “Chaz”, and you can leave my name out of it.

CHAZ O

He doesn’t want to be called “Chaz”, though. He wants to be called “Kendon”, and that’s final. He’s your problem. If you want him gone, you take care of him.

SHEILA O

Murdering your double is an elegant solution to this complex problem.

AMANTHA O AND D

Did somebody say “elegant”? At Absolutely Amanthas, we have a big ol’ tub of high-end toothpaste. It tastes exactly like caviar.

KENDON O

Why don’t you murder him, then?

CHAZ O

If I murder him, everyone will think of me as the guy who murdered someone. I am actually successful. I don’t need that ruining my business.

KENDON O

But if I murder him, everyone will say I only did it because I’m jealous of him.

CHAZ O AND CHAZ/KENDON D

You are jealous.

KENDON O

I know! That’s what I’m saying! If you murder him, nobody will care. If I do it, everyone will ridicule me until the end of time.

SHEILA O

May I suggest something?

CHAZ O

Go ahead, doc.

SHEILA O

Normally, I would quietly hope your double would just kill himself. But in this situation, would it be helpful if both the double and the original Kendon killed themselves? It seems like nobody wants either of them around. I don’t know, I’m just throwing out very good solutions.

KENDON O AND CHAZ/KENDON D

No!

(SIMULTANEOUS WITH THE ABOVE) CHAZ O

Yes!

SHEILA O

We’ll come back to this. You don’t need to decide who commits suicide right away. Stew on it while we move to someone else.

 CHAZ/KENDON D (UNDER HIS BREATH)

How about your double?

SHEILA O

You doubles can’t help but bring the rest of us down into the filth with you, can you?

Fine. I am sure everyone has noticed my double over here.

SHEILA D

Hi! I’m Sheila, Sheila’s doub-

SHEILA O (SCREAMING)

You shut your dirty double mouth! Shut it, you goddamn changeling!

SHEILA D

I know I’m only a double, but I am not a fan of all this potty mouth swearing coming out of your mouth, Original Sheila. Is everyone in this reality so crass?

SHEILA O

Potty mouth?

SHEILA D

Yes, it’s just that your language is a bit… crude.

SHEILA O

A filthy double is saying I have a potty mouth?

SHEILA D

If you can just tone it down a little.

SHEILA O (SCREAMING… AGAIN)

A fucking potty mouth!?!

FX: Running followed by glass breaking and a thud.

RANKUS

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

SHEILA O

Goddammit, Rankus. We’re in the middle of a doubles support group meeting. How can I concentrate on gentling persuading these doubles to commit suicide if you’re in here being you?

SHEILA D (SCOLDING)

Sheila, remember? You’re not allowed to tell doubles they should kill themselves anymore. It’s not okay.

SHEILA O

Shut the fuck up, abomination.

RANKUS

It’s Rankus Dankus man coming to tell you there’s a group therapy fight.

Look, I want to know the real answer, Sheila. Why does your name start with an S?

SHEILA O

It’s how my name is spelled…

SHEILA D (SIMULTANEOUSLY)

It’s how our name is spelled…

RANKUS

Alphabet?

Objection of the court.

Who OD’d?

SHEILA O

What are you talking about?

RANKUS

Me! From too much Sheila.

SHEILA O

Rankus, you really need to get out. This is a closed group therapy…

RANKUS

I have a right to interview this group therapy!

SFX: Rankus and Sheila O fighting over Sheila’s clipboard full of therapy notes

SHEILA O

Let…. go… of… my… clipboard! Hey!

RANKUS

This is a group therapy.

SHEILA O (STERN)

Give me back my clipboard.

RANKUS

And it’s sponsored by Skittles.

SHEILA O

Yes, this therapy session is sponsored by Skittles, but I need my clipboard back.

RANKUS

How about I talk about something I want to talk about?

SHEILA O (EXASPERATED)

Not again…

RANKUS

Why would skittles come from a rainbow and not be named Sky-tales?

SHEILA O

I don’t know.

RANKUS

Hold on, I got an exclusive interview for you, sky. How do you make a rainbow and produce Skittles?

SHEILA O

Rankus, I really need my clipboard back so the patients here can do their mandatory ad reads. Otherwise we won’t have funding for the session.

RANKUS

Can I ask you one more question? Hard hitting question.

SHEILA O

No.

RANKUS

Pathetic. Group therapy, losers. Your therapy session is sponsored by a fake candy. That’s right, Randall Dankustons discovered the truth again because I’m the hardest hitting, fastest news man.

CHAZ O

Can we get this cretin out of here?

SHEILA O

Rankus, I swear to God if you continue to hijack this support group, I will kill you. I will kill you with my hands. I will kill you forever and you will be dead. Leave.

RANKUS

Fuck your group therapy. Fuck your bullshit ass sponsor.

SHEILA O

If you’re not going to leave, will you at least sit down and shut up?

FX: Rankus sitting down. Whatever that sounds like.

SHEILA O

And I need my clipboard back.

(Silence)

SHEILA O

Rankus, I need my clipboard back.

(Silence)

SHEILA O

Rankus…

SHEILA D

I may just be your double, but you did tell him to sit down and shut up. I think the reason he’s not responding or getting up is because…

CHAZ O

Can we get back to my problem? I imagine both Kendons have decided suicide is the answer? It feels like the only answer.

KENDON O

What about a contest?

CHAZ O

A contest?

KENDON O

A contest.

CHAZ O

What kind of contest?

KENDON O

You and I both run for mayor. If one of us wins the mayoral race, that person gets this asshole as his double.

CHAZ O

But that just punishes the winner.

KENDON O

No, it doesn’t. Think about it this way… The mayor serves for four days and then lives the rest of his life in luxury up in the mayoral palace. Nothing that happens down here matters to him anymore. This isn’t his problem.

What I’m suggesting is a win-win situation. One of us gets to live in the mayoral palace and the other gets to live down here without this guy as his double.

CHAZ/KENDON D

And nobody will try to get me to kill myself?

KENDON O

That’s right.

CHAZ O

Nah. Fuck that. My life is perfect. We’re going to stick with my plan. Both of you kill yourselves. I’m out.

KENDON O

You don’t have to run, but after this next election, I will be running. And if I win, that means you will be stuck with this guy as your double for the rest of your life.

CHAZ O

You’re too ugly to be mayor. You have no chance to win.

KENDON O

If you want to risk it, that’s fine.

SHEILA O

It’s a pretty good deal, Chaz. I’m going to have to murder my double after this meeting is over, and I am not looking forward to it. I’d take the deal.

SHEILA D

Wait… what?

CHAZ O

Right… Well, I have few days to think on it.

SHEILA O

Wonderful. Okay, we just need to do those ad reads from our spons…

RANKUS

It’s everyone’s birthday, today! Let’s sing happy birthday!

RANKUS SINGS HAPPY BIRTHDAY

RANKUS

Let’s listen to some ads!

SHEILA O

Sounds good. Rankus… Rankus. Rankus, give me that clipboard so we can do those…

RANKUS

Ads! Ads! Ads!

Segment 2: Small Game Hunting

BEVERLY

Hey, Beverly Winchester here. Y’all probably know me as the rich lady who decorated her house in nothing but antlers. I’m a six time Big Game Hunting champ, and I’m here to tell you I love the thrill of the hunt.

For most of my life, nothing made me feel more electric than taking down an eight point buck. Those suckers aren’t easy to kill -- unless you’re me!

(Bev laughs wildly at her own joke)

But recently, I’ve moved on to my next challenge. Instead of hunting big game, I’m focusing on small game, namely children. I don’t hurt them or anything. Once they’re captured and back at my house for their ceremonial “I Got Nabbed” photograph, I drop these children off wherever they like.

Most of them choose to be dropped off at a farm some of the first kidnapped kids started. It’s pretty nifty. They share all the work and proceeds. They have a bunker stocked with decades of food, should a nuclear fallout occur. It’s really impressive, and it was all the kids’ idea. Truly wonderful to see these formerly kidnapped children thriving and reaching their true potential.

Not that they have to go live on this communal farm. It’s their choice to live in an utopia. Pretty inspirational.

Anyway, I took out this ad to let all parents know I am coming for your children. I’m going to track them, trap them and then let them go, and I want you to try to stop me. Do everything you can to stop me from kidnapping your kids. I want a challenge because, if I’m being honest, your children have been way too easy to kidnap thus far.

Okay, this is Bev. See y’all later when I’m stalking you and your children. Not that you’ll see me!

(Bev laughs at her own joke again)

Segment 3: Butt Genie

ABIGAIL REEVES

Hello, citizens of Barberton. This is Abigail Reeves, Barberton mayoral candidate.

Ever since I was a little girl, it was my dream to become the mayor of Barberton. I am resourceful, hard working and have never used drugs.

By now, you should have received in the mail my six hundred point plan to revitalize Barberton. I will give you a few minutes to locate this material and turn to page 1 so you can follow along while I detail my plan for the remainder of this campaign ad.

SPUD (CALLING FROM THE OTHER ROOM)

Yo, Abbi! We’re out of peanut butter!

ABIGAIL (CALLING BACK TO SPUD)

I’m in the middle of recording my campaign ad, sweetie. Can you make your lunch later?

SFX: FOOTSTEPS AS SPUD COMES INTO THE ROOM

SPUD

I’m not making lunch. The peanut butter is for an epic prank I’m going to play on my bros. Whoa. What’s this?

ABIGAIL

It’s my campaign ad. Do you want to say hi to the citizens of Barberton?

SPUD

What up, Barberton? It’s ya boy, Spud. Barberton Magicians forever! Class of 2012! Magic City, baby!

ABIGAIL

My fiance Spud has been so supportive of my mayoral bid.

SPUD

What’s good, Barberton? Ya boy, Spud, is mad supportive.

ABIGAIL

Can I tell them what you did to support my dream of becoming mayor?

SPUD

Natch.

ABIGAIL

When we first started dating, I told Spud my focus is on becoming mayor, and I would not marry anyone until I am elected.

SPUD

I didn’t know she believed in abstinence until marriage, but whatev. Abbi is smokin’ hot.

ABIGAIL

So, for me, becoming mayor isn’t just about my six hundred point plan. It’s also personal. The day I become mayor will be the day I get married!

SPUD

Yo, can I say something about you to the people of Barberton?

ABIGAIL

Okay, but make it quick. Everyone should have my election plan ready and open to page one by now, and I don’t want to keep them waiting.

SPUD

Nah, I’ll be wicked quick. Just gotta tell them how great you are, babe.

ABIGAIL

Spud! You’re so romantic!

SPUD

Cover your ears. I can’t, like, have you spying on what I’m saying and shit.

ABIGAIL

Okayyyy, my ears are covered!

SPUD

Yo, listen up, Barberton. It’s ya boy, Spud. You better vote for my girl Abbi.

One, she’s stupid smart. Like, she went to college and everything and got As and shit.

Two, I can’t get laid until she’s mayor, which is wicked annoying, but I’m not mad.

Third, and you better not narc on me about this, I have a hilarious prank planned for our wedding night, and it’s going to be fucking amazing.

So, listen up. A few weeks ago, I found a magic lamp, so I rubbed it, and what the fuck? A genie popped out of that shit, and it said I could make three wishes.

I told Abbi I used my first wish to make it so she won’t have to live in the mayoral mansion after her term as mayor is up. She wants to live with me and start a family and shit once she’s done being mayor.

But I really used my first wish to turn my butt into a Tiny Spud. This guy has, like, a mind of his own and he talks and everything. It’s dope. Tiny Spud hates it when I use the bathroom because it comes out of his mouth. Classic.

So, check this, Barberton. The prank is on our wedding night. Ya boy, Spud, is going to unzip his pants, and there’s Tiny Spud. Can you imagine the look on Abbi’s face when an exact copy of me is staring back at her, only where my butt should be? So good.

Don’t worry because I’m going to use my second wish to change Tiny Spud back to a normal bunch of buns, and I’ll use my third wish to fix that mayor thing, but I need your help electing her mayor so I can pull off the best prank of all time!

Okay, I’m going to have her uncover her ears.

Abbi! Yo, Abbi!

ABIGAIL

Can I listen again?

SPUD (HOLDING BACK LAUGHTER)

Yup, we’re all good, babe.

ABIGAIL

I hope you said some really nice things.

SPUD (STILL HOLDING BACK LAUGHTER)

Sure did, Abbi. I think you’ll definitely get elected now.

ABIGAIL

How did I find the sweetest man on Earth and actually get him to fall in love with me?

Okay, page one…

SFX: A PHONE RINGING

ABIGAIL

One second…

Hello?

Yes…

Yes, this is she.

Oh no.

Are you certain?

But… but…

SPUD

What is it, Abbi?

ABIGAIL (IN TEARS)

It’s my mother… She was in a horrible accident. Apparently, she was robbing a bank, and someone shot her.

SPUD

Dang, girl. Again?

ABIGAIL

That was the hospital. They don’t think she’s going to pull through this time. They said it would take a miracle to save her.

SPUD

Babe…

ABIGAIL

I have a favor to ask.

SPUD

No, babe. You know I have plans for my second and third wishes.

ABIGAIL

Right. You said you were going to use your second and third wishes to make sure we have enough money to provide for the eighteen children we agreed we’d have, but we don’t need two wishes worth of riches. If you could use one of those wishes to save my mom...

SPUD

Doesn’t your mom, like, suck?

ABIGAIL

Spud!

SPUD

Your words, not mine, Abbi. You said she was a criminal and a bad person. That was you who said that!

ABIGAIL

I have a complicated relationship with my mother, but she’s still my mom. Please, Spud. Please. If you save her, I will do everything I can possibly do to make you happy for the rest of our lives.

SPUD

Finnnnnne. Let me get the lamp.

Fuck!

SFX: SPUD STOMPING AROUND, RUMMAGING THROUGH STUFF TO FIND THE LAMP

SPUD

Found it, just give me a sec, and…

GENIE

It is me, the Genie, and I will grant thee your wishes three..

What up, Spud? It happened? It’s your wedding night? How did the prank go? She looks upset, so I bet you naiiiilllled it.

SPUD

Shut up, man. It hasn’t happened yet.

GENIE

Oh, then why is Abigail crying?

SPUD

Her mom is in the hospital, and now I have to waste a wish saving her.

ABIGAIL

Did the genie say something about a prank?

SPUD

Nah, babe. The genie said it wanted to...thank...me… for letting it out of the lamp again.

GENIE

So we’re not turning your, uh… back into a normal…

SPUD

For my second wish, I wish for you to make Abbi’s mom completely healthy and not, like, dying from getting shot...by a gun...or anything else.

GENIE

Okayyyyy…. Your wish is my… COMMAND!

SFX: MAGIC SOUNDS FOLLOWED BY A PHONE RINGING

ABIGAIL

Yes?

This is she…

My mother is going to be fine! The gunshot wound just… disappeared.

SPUD (SARCASTICALLY)

Great…

GENIE

So, I’m done here?

SPUD (SULKING)

Yeah… Go back into your lamp.

ABIGAIL

Oh, Spuddy-Wuddy, you are the best fiance ever. And I swear to you, I will make you the happiest husband ever, just as soon as…

SPUD (STILL SULKING)

...as soon as you become mayor. Yeah, yeah.

ABIGAIL

Oh, don’t be upset. I know my mom is a horrible person, but you saved a life today. That’s pretty cool, right?

SPUD

I guess…

ABIGAIL

Okay, back to my 600 point plan. Page one…

SFX: THE PHONE RINGING AGAIN

ABIGAIL

Hello?

What??!?

No, this can’t be true!??!

...in a bank robbery?

I… I…

SPUD

Ah shit. Babe, I think I’m going to bounce.

ABIGAIL

It’s my father.

SPUD

Fuck.

ABIGAIL

He was just standing in line at the bank when a bank robber came in and shot him! How could this happen? Who would do such a senseless thing?

SPUD

Word. That sucks, babe. I’ll leave you alone to collect your thoughts.

ABIGAIL

They said it would take a miracle to save him.

SPUD

Please don’t.

ABIGAIL

I have a favor to ask you.

SPUD

Goddammit.

ABIGAIL

Can you please, please, pretty please save my father’s life with your third wish?

SPUD

That’s my last wish, babe, and I had plans for it.

ABIGAIL

Oh, so you’ll save my mother’s life but not my father’s.

SPUD

That’s not it!

ABIGAIL

Don’t think I forgot that time you got drunk and told me you had a thing for my mother. I was willing to ignore it, but I didn’t think it would run this deep. How...dare...you?

And what's worse... You don't think my father's life is worth saving if you don't have a crush on him. You're a monster, Spud... a monster.

SPUD

But, I…

So, hypothetically... What if I had used my first wish on… nope, nevermind. That’s only going to make you angrier.

ABIGAIL

What would make me angrier?

SPUD

What would you say if I was born with a weird butt? Would you still love me?

ABIGAIL

Is that what this is about? You’re afraid I’m going to think your… butt...is weird?

SPUD

Maybe.

ABIGAIL

I will always be attracted to the person who saved the lives of both my parents in a single day.

SPUD

So, like, we’d still consummate our marriage?

ABIGAIL

Honey, nothing you do can change how I feel about you…

SPUD

Sick.

ABIGAIL

...except not saving my father’s life.

SPUD

Finnnnne.

GENIE

It is me, the Genie, and I will grant thee your wishes three..

Yooo, Spud! You ready to turn that butt of yours normal?

ABIGAIL

Spud and I have decided it’s okay his butt is a little bit… weird. I love him anyway.

GENIE (UNCERTAIN)

Really?

SPUD (SULKING A BIT)

Yeah, broseph. I’m going to use my third wish on something else.

GENIE

Uh… are you sure?

ABIGAIL

He’s going to use his final wish to save my father’s life.

GENIE

Wait, wait, wait… Hold up.

Okay, so I have no sense of time when I’m in that lamp. How much time has elapsed since my main man Spud…

SPUD (INTERJECTING)

Wassup!

GENIE

....used a wish to save your mom?

ABIGAIL

I haven’t checked my watch, but a few minutes, probably?

SPUD (MUTTERING)

Like one to three minutes…

GENIE

I absolutely need to know what happened. Are we talking about some sort of skydiving accident or… I don’t know what you humans are into… A baking...accident...gone wrong?

SPUD (STILL GRUMPY)

They were each wounded in a bank robbery gone wrong.

GENIE

Why didn’t you just use one wish to heal them both at the same time?

ABIGAIL

We found out about their injuries in two separate phone calls.

GENIE

Bad timing…

SPUD

Babe, what if I used my last wish on something else, and then you rubbed the lamp and wished for your dad to, like, not die?

ABIGAIL

Can we do that, Genie?

GENIE

That is a really good idea.

SPUD

Okay, then, Genie…. I wish for-

GENIE (INTERRUPTING)

Only it won’t work.

ABIGAIL

Why? What’s the issue?

GENIE

I’m actually going to be out of magic after this last wish.

SPUD

Oh shit, man. What if I used my last wish to give you more magic? Then Abbi can use one of her wishes to fix my butt and the other wish for the other thing.

ABIGAIL

Saving my father.

SPUD

Right, babe. Saving your father.

GENIE

You can’t wish for more magic. And not to be a dick, but I wouldn’t want you to make that wish anyway. I’m freed from my lamp the moment I run out of magic.

SPUD

Then you can live your life. Right on.

GENIE

Actually, then I’ll die.

SPUD

Oh.

GENIE

The sweet, merciful release of death. I’ll no longer have to live this hellish existence.

SPUD

Right on, dude.

GENIE

You could always find another magic lamp?

ABIGAIL

I promise you, honey, once I am mayor, I will commission a task force to locate another lamp. We will get you the butt you always dreamed of. But please just save my father. Please, before it’s too late.

SPUD

Okay, Genie…

GENIE

Here comes death! Give me that wish, Spud my man!

SPUD

I wish for Abbi’s dad to live.

GENIE

I can feel my impending mortality! Your wish is my… COMMAND!

SFX: MAGIC SOUNDS

GENIE

My… my… magic… it’s… Oh, no… No! This doesn’t feel right! Oh, rats! Death suckssss!

(GASPING FOR LIFE)

Whatever...you...do...don’t...die…..it….

SPUD

It what, Genie? Death…. Whats!?!?

ABIGAIL

He’s dead, Spud.

SPUD

I’ll never know what he was going to say…

SFX: THE PHONE RINGING

ABIGAIL

Hello?

Yes, this is his daughter.

He’s alive?!?!

(SUDDENLY CONCERNED/DISAPPOINTED)

I see…

Yes, I understand.

Thank you for letting me know.

SPUD

What is it, Abs? The wish worked, right?

ABIGAIL

My father is alive…

SPUD

Sick!

ABIGAIL

He had been dead for several minutes, but then…

SPUD (FINISHING HER SENTENCE)

But then the wish worked?

ABIGAIL

He rose from the dead as an entity the nurse described as a demon of unfathomable nightmares.

SPUD

Babe, I feel like I should say sorry?

ABIGAIL

It’s okay.

I have...run out of time for this campaign ad, but thankfully, section 357 of my 600 point plan addresses this specific issue, should it arise. So, I am prepared to deal with this. All you have to do, people of Barberton, is vote for Abigail Reeves for mayor.

SPUD

Totally, Abs. Sick. Totally sick.

Uh, can I talk to the people of Barberton one more time...without you listening?

ABIGAIL

Go ahead.

SPUD

How it do, Barberton? It’s ya boy, Spud. What up? What up?

So, I’m going to have to ask everyone to be cool and do… not… vote for Abbi for mayor. I have to find a new magic lamp and fix this mess or Abbi is going to be pissed.

Please, do not vote for Abbi. Please. I’m begging you. Please.

Segment 4: Mayor Oranges

Narrator
The following is a paid advertisement to the residents of Barberton by the committee to re-elect Mayor Oranges. Void where prohibited, especially near class five gravity anomalies. If you or a loved one have been hurt by Mayor Oranges you are not entitled for financial compensation and should lawyer up. Because he’s gonna sue your ass.

SFX: Cue up buzzsaw sounds, and a Wilhelm scream maybe? 

Harold (A generic, average Barberton resident) /Distressed, but awkward and calm, like purposeful bad acting
Oh god I can't believe I fell and my arm went underneath my lawnmower just like in that Stephen King movie, wow what a terrible turn of events. Ahh jeez. There’s just so, so much goddamn blood. I hate wasting it!

Mike ( A passerby and neighbor) 
Oh goodness, Harold that’s quite a pickle you’ve gotten yourself into!

Harold
It’s really bad. I mean, it’s clearly bad y'know? And there’s so much…

Mike
Wasted blood! I know! Well, what a coinkydink let me go ahead and start collecting this so I can send them into Mayor Oranges reelection blood drive!

Harold (Starting to sound woozy and slurring his words) 
That guy? The mayor! What a card. What a character I heard he wants to make more Texas in Barberton

Mike (annoyed)
That’s right he’s going to SLASH taxes!

Harold
But I don’t understand, Mike, I mean I understand that I don't but you know that I do, I mean...I was thinking...

Mike
I’m so glad you asked Harold, how does blood help the Mayor? Well it’s simple, you see each blood bag that’s harvested is placed in a generic envelope and sent in to the Barberton Mail office to be counted and sent to the local blood bank.

Harold
Didn't that machine break and the whole room was flooded with blood?



Mike (stern and scary sounding now) 
That was the work of vampire terrorists Harold, or ARE YOU NOT PAYING ATTENTION?

Harold (meekly)
Sorry,  sorry,  it’s on the account of the arm. Y’know it being turned into ground beef and all.

Mike
That’s right Harold, ever since the voting machines became sentient and tried to lead a failed machine rebellion when that ancient comet passed, we’ve been running out of blood left and right, and Mayor Oranges pledges to make this blood drive the biggest yet!

Harold
I don't remember any of that happening though, Mike. I just, I don't remember any of it.

Mike (screaming)
I’LL CUT YOUR FUCKING BALLS OFF HAROLD PLEASE FOR GOD’S SAKE GET WITH THE PICTURE.

Harold
I’m sorry.

Mike
Oh not a problem Harold! It’s probably on account of your arm being turned into mulch. Hopefully tomorrow, we can count on you to send in your blood, or your neighbor’s blood for Mayor Oranges’ re-election!

Harold
Wait how does this help with voting? What about the sentient voting machines?

Narrator
Send your self addressed envelopes to the Barberton Mail Office courtesy of Mayor Oranges Blood Drive! What do you have to lose? Nothing... that’s right. Absolutely nothing because you don't have anything. You never did. You never will. You don't even have a cool group of whores to hang out with like Mayor Oranges. It sucks to suck. So suck less and give us your blood.

Mayor Oranges
I'm the fucking mayor! Me, not nobody else! Vote for me or I will visit violence upon your family that will stain the souls of everyone on your fucking block! MAIL IN YOUR BLOOD! 

Amantha, where are my fucking blood pressure pills?!AMANTHA! Oh right, no more Amantha.




Intro
Group Therapy
Beverley Winchester
Weird Butt
Mayor Oranges
Outro