Ad Read

Season 3, Episode 1 | Baby Fingers

December 17, 2020 Kendon Luscher Season 3 Episode 1
Ad Read
Season 3, Episode 1 | Baby Fingers
Chapters
0:00
Intro
0:32
Landing
11:20
No Texas
17:23
Tubular Time Shares
23:34
More Like IN-Sane Jane Alberts
24:51
Cigarettes: Sport
25:57
Outro
Ad Read
Season 3, Episode 1 | Baby Fingers
Dec 17, 2020 Season 3 Episode 1
Kendon Luscher

Welcome to the Ad Read podcast, a podcast where we read ads.

Disclaimer: Any references to products/companies real or fake reflect our opinion alone and not the opinion of the companies in question. This is especially true of the fake companies, who can be real assholes about this sort of thing.

Content Warning: This show is built from disturbing situations, violence, swearing and a healthy mocking of capitalism. While our intention is satire, any portrayal of unspeakable evil, abuse, neglect and general darkness can still be triggering for people who have experienced those things themselves. If this is you, we support you, but you may not want to listen to our show.

Subscribe to Ad Read in these places:

Apple | Spotify | Amazon | Stitcher | TuneIn | Google | Android



We find ourselves in a birthday reality.

Check out these credits:

Cast
Rankus/Lord Cummington: Jon Robertson (he/him)
City Rep: And Hollenbach (they/them)
Mayor Oranges/Paramedic 1: Brian Roesler (he/him) of The Illegal Screen and Treblezine
Amantha: Emily (she/her)
Kendon/Birthday God/Tubular Tony/Concerned Citizen/Doctor/Attack Ad Guy/Cigarette Guy: Kendon Luscher (he/him)
Big Don: Aaron Cooper (he/him) of Beaded Gentlemen Music and 50 Third and 3rd
Sane Jane: Cheru (she/her)
Todd Todderton: Ed Carroll (he/him)
Paramedic 2: Elena Hark (she/her)


Writers
This episode was written by Kendon Luscher with additional writing by Jon Robertson

Sound Editing by Kendon Luscher

Soundtrack
by Kendon Luscher

Ad Read Logo by Sammy (twitter).

Sound Effects
Check our show website for a
full list of sound effects used in this episode

Show Notes Transcript Chapter Markers

Welcome to the Ad Read podcast, a podcast where we read ads.

Disclaimer: Any references to products/companies real or fake reflect our opinion alone and not the opinion of the companies in question. This is especially true of the fake companies, who can be real assholes about this sort of thing.

Content Warning: This show is built from disturbing situations, violence, swearing and a healthy mocking of capitalism. While our intention is satire, any portrayal of unspeakable evil, abuse, neglect and general darkness can still be triggering for people who have experienced those things themselves. If this is you, we support you, but you may not want to listen to our show.

Subscribe to Ad Read in these places:

Apple | Spotify | Amazon | Stitcher | TuneIn | Google | Android



We find ourselves in a birthday reality.

Check out these credits:

Cast
Rankus/Lord Cummington: Jon Robertson (he/him)
City Rep: And Hollenbach (they/them)
Mayor Oranges/Paramedic 1: Brian Roesler (he/him) of The Illegal Screen and Treblezine
Amantha: Emily (she/her)
Kendon/Birthday God/Tubular Tony/Concerned Citizen/Doctor/Attack Ad Guy/Cigarette Guy: Kendon Luscher (he/him)
Big Don: Aaron Cooper (he/him) of Beaded Gentlemen Music and 50 Third and 3rd
Sane Jane: Cheru (she/her)
Todd Todderton: Ed Carroll (he/him)
Paramedic 2: Elena Hark (she/her)


Writers
This episode was written by Kendon Luscher with additional writing by Jon Robertson

Sound Editing by Kendon Luscher

Soundtrack
by Kendon Luscher

Ad Read Logo by Sammy (twitter).

Sound Effects
Check our show website for a
full list of sound effects used in this episode

  Segment 1: Landing

EXT: JUST OUTSIDE THE WORMHOLE IN THE CENTER OF BARBERTON WITH A PILE OF TRASH BENEATH IT TO CUSHION THE FALL OF ANYONE WHO MAY FALL FROM THE WORMHOLE’S HEIGHTS

RANKUS

Are you seeing this? Sensational news, my friends. My name is Randal Dankus.

I’ve been trying to take this in for a minute. Ah, there’s a wormhole, and uh, people are falling out into the precious piece of trash that I buried my sweet pet Petunia. Petunia was in the place, in the perfect spot.

There’s a big thing happening with the wormhole and the people in the pile, and you must be… shit… Not my dog…

CITY REP

Helllllloooo. Wormhole people! Over here!

So, welcome to the future. I’m the liaison between people like yourself and the city of Future Barberton. And…

GRUNTING WHILE THE CITY REP PULLS A HUGE STACK OF PAPERS FROM UNDER THEIR ARM

…we have quite a lot of paperwork we have to get through before any of you can set foot in our fine city. Don’t worry, it’s all standard stuff. Name… any realities you’ve previously resided and/or visited… political affiliations…. Blood type and organ status… Flav…..or…

Hmmm… These are the old forms. Ignore the part where it says “flavor”. Just cross that out when you get to it. The rest of the forms are correct.

So, yeah, when I call your name, come to me and grab your forms. There are additional forms for anyone who is a double.

MAYOR ORANGES

Excuse me, but what in the fuck are you talking about when you say “double”?

CITY REP

For some of you, there’s a version of you who already lives here. That would make you that person’s double.

MAYOR ORANGES

Ohhhh no. Mayor Oranges is nobody’s double. Mayor Oranges is the original in this and all other realities.

Amantha!

AMANTHA

Yes, Mayor Oranges?

MAYOR ORANGES

Find out from this liaison whether or not I have a double, and kill that double if I do.

CITY REP

Mr. Oranges?

MAYOR ORANGES

That’s Mayor Oranges, actually.

CITY REP

Marcus Oranges, I am sorry to inform you that you are not, in fact, the mayor in this reality, but you are welcome to run for mayor just as soon as your forms are processed.

MAYOR ORANGES

What in the fuck? Not the mayor?

CITY REP

That’s correct. According to my records, you are technically a double, and the original Marcus Oranges did run for mayor 196 years ago. He won.

MAYOR ORANGES

196 years ago, huh?  Holy fucking shit, that means my double is dead. I really am the only Mayor Oranges!

Amantha!

AMANTHA

Yes, Mayor Oranges?

MAYOR ORANGES

Cancel that previous assassination request and schedule a dinner meeting with my whores instead. It looks like time was the true assassin of my highly distinguished and accomplished double.

CITY REP

Okay, just to clarify because this seems to be a sticking point with wormhole people such as yourself, but we have no reason to think the actual Mayor Oranges…

MAYOR ORANGES (INTERJECTING)

My double…

CITY REP

…is dead.

How do I explain this? You’re from a reality thousands of years in the past where each year was like 500 days. In this reality, the Birthday God came to us several thousand years ago and liberated us from the 500 day year.

MAYOR ORANGES

Liberated? The fuck does that mean!?!

Amantha!

AMANTHA

Yes, May-

CITY REP (INTERUPTING)

The Birthday God, in his infinite wisdom, made every year a single day. Now, we don’t know for sure if the original Marcus Oranges is alive or dead, but it’s not uncommon for people in Future Barberton to live hundreds of years. I would suspect Marcus is still alive.

 MAYOR ORANGES

Of course, I’m alive! I’m right fuckin’ here!

CITY REP

Clearly, I meant the original Marcus Oranges. The real one.

MAYOR ORANGES

Amantha…

AMANTHA

Yes, Mayor Oranges?

MAYOR ORANGES

Schedule double the whores for that whore appointment, and reschedule that assassination I previously cancelled.

AMANTHA

You got it, Mayor Oranges. I’ll get right on that as soon as you are mayor once again.

MAYOR ORANGES

I am the mayor.

CITY REP

You are most certainly not the mayor, Mr. Oranges. But I’m afraid any assassination attempt against the actual Mayor Oranges would be impossible. Once a mayor’s term is up, they take residence in the mayoral mansion wayyyyy over on the garbage mountain on the north side of the city.

Breaking into the mansion to attempt any kind of mayoral assassination would be impossible. They put locks on the doors.

MAYOR ORANGES

Locks, huh? Fuck! But…. buuuttttttt… you’re saying as long as I stay out here, I’m the only Mayor Oranges…

CITY REP (GETTING IMPATIENT)

I guess… Listen, I… don’t want to be here. Like, at all. So, I’m going to start calling names now. When you hear your name, come down from that pile of garbage and take one of these forms from me.

CITY REP

Anderson, Stacy…

You have a double, so make sure you fill out these extra forms, and you are required to attend the doubles support group, which is tomorrow. The information is on the forms.

Blickman, Angel

Here are your forms. You do not have a double.

Cummington, Lord

LORD CUMMINGTON

SOME JUNK ABOUT WANTING TO STUDY THE INDIGENOUS PEOPLE AND THEIR WAY OF LIFE THAT HEAVILY IMPLIES HE WILL HUNT THEM.

CITY REP

As long as you don’t hunt any of them, I guess that’s… okay…

LORD CUMMINGTON

ACTS NON-COMMITTAL ON NOT HUNTING PEOPLE BECAUSE HE DEFINITELY PLANS ON IT.

CITY REP (BORED, UNENTHUSED, IMPATIENT)

Okay. Next would be… Uh… Chaz Everrett?

CHAZ/KENDON D

That’s me.

CITY REP

You are also a double, so here are your forms. It looks like you were the host of the very popular show Ad Read in your previous reality? I’m sorry to say, the original Chaz is not the host in this reality.

CHAZ/KENDON D

Is Kendon Luscher the host of Ad Read in this reality? I was originally in a different reality before my last reality, and Kendon was my original form. I hosted Ad Read there as well.

CITY REP

You were originally Kendon in a previous reality?

CHAZ/KENDON D

That’s right.

CITY REP

Very brave of you to admit that. Kendon sucks.

CHAZ/KENDON D

So maybe I’m the host under that name.

CITY REP

Unfortunately, neither Chaz nor Kendon are the host in this reality.

CHAZ/KENDON D

Who’s the host, then? That fucking Earl guy?

CITY REP

Uh, no. It’s that guy standing over there.

RANKUS

Rankie Dankie Dinkleton!

CHAZ/KENDON D

That guy is the host?

CITY REP (SIGHING)

I’m afraid so.

CHAZ/KENDON D

That’s worse than if I were the host again.

CITY REP

Listen, show up to the support group tomorrow. It’s especially important for you since you’re the double of two different people.

 Next is… Amantha Norwalk. You are also a double, Amantha.

AMANTHA

A double? For Amantha?

 MAYOR ORANGES

Ohhh no. First, I have a double, and now Amantha also has a double. I have to live in a goddamn reality with two goddamn Amanthas? Fuck that.

Is the other Amantha my secretary at least?

CITY REP

No, and I hate to keep correcting you, but it’s important you come to terms with reality. You are the double. I don’t know why this is a sticking point with immigrants from other realities….

This. Is. Not. Your. Reality. You. Are. Not. The. Original. Version. Of. Yourself. Here.

Understand?

MAYOR ORANGES

Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to here? I’m not some nobody from Who-Gives-A-Fuck. I’m Mayor Fucking Oranges!

CITY REP (INTERJECTING)

...not the mayor…

MAYOR ORANGES

And I don’t wait around or sign forms, and I’m sure as shit nobody’s double. Earl, Producer, Chaz, grab a whore or two and let’s get the fuck out of here. We’re about to do so much oxy that we’ll be seeing double of our doubles.

And Amantha!

AMANTHA

Yes, Mayor Oranges?

MAYOR ORANGES

Fuck you, Amantha.

CITY REP (CALLING AFTER MAYOR ORANGES)

You still need to fill out your forms!

MAYOR ORANGES

My wife and kids will take care of that for me.

Oh, and one last thing. If my whores have any doubles, send them my way. Holy shit, I feel so fucking alive!

CITY REP


 Well, Marcus Oranges was going to be next, but I guess we can move on to Marcus Oranges Jun…

BIRTHDAY GOD

What about BIRTHDAYS?!? It’s everyone’s birthday today, so make sure they all sing happy birthday before they leave!

BIRTHDAY GOD SINGS HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BUT NOBODY JOINS IN

Get used to having a birthday every day! 

 CITY REP

Sorry for the interrupt-

BIRTHDAY GOD

And another thing! Why aren’t a bunch of mayoral candidates campaigning? The election is only three days away! Let’s hear from some candidates.


CITY REP 

I’m just trying to get through…

RANKUS

Elections? Merely three days away? Three years, three days, six years, sixteen. You know, you say what your ages…

CITY REP

Can I…

RANKUS

Get out and vote, kids! You know what I’m saying?

CITY REP

I…

RANKUS

Do you know that I’m the most fact checked reporter of all time? And I have sources and sources. Do you even know my sources? You are one of my sources. You don’t even know that you’re one of my sources.

BIRTHDAY GOD

Hey there, Rankus. Happy birthday! Did you say the election was in three days?

RANKUS

Yes. The election is three days from now. But it’s also three years because we live in the reality of the Birthday God

BIRTHDAY GOD

That’s me!

RANKUS

That’s my guy, you see. Oh yeah, Birthday God! The man. My exclusive source.

BIRTHDAY GOD

The people want to hear ads from their mayoral candidates, Rankus. I don’t think you want to keep your fans waiting.

RANKUS

Excuse me. Thank you. Thank you. That’s a nice cue.

CITY REP

I hate this place.

RANKUS

Thanks for that. There’s nothing like an interruption in the middle of a reporting, to… uh… Let’s hear some more ads from those candidates. Permission to treat them as hostile, your honor. Let’s get down to those hard hitting campaign ads from all of our candidates. You think I trust you? I don’t trust you. Permission to treat all the candidates as hostile. Straight shooter, the news.

SFX: RANKUS WALKING AS HE’S TALKING AND THEN HE OPENS A DOOR, LEADING INTO THE NEXT SCENE

SEGMENT 2: SANE JANE ALBERTS AND TODD TODDERTON

INT: SANE JANE’S LIVING ROOM -- RANKUS IS THERE COMPLETELY UNINVITED

RANKUS

Here I am, live on the scene! I’m here to do a little deep dive, deep dig on Sane Jane Alberts. What initially got me on this case is I heard she wanted no Texas. Can you believe it? 

JANE

Whoa. Rankus? I don’t know what you’re doing in my living room, but I respect your right to break into my house and be here.

RANKUS

No Texas? What is a Texas?

JANE

I like your spunk, but I’m not running on a no Texas plat-

RANKUS (INTERRUPTING)

Why on God’s green earth do we even have a Texas?

JANE

Listen, we all hate Texas, but I’m actually running on a very complex platform of financial conservation and personal accountability.

RANKUS

I don’t know what that means!

JANE

Taxes, Rankus. I’m running on a platform of no taxes.

RANKUS

She doesn’t want to pay for the state of Texas? Neither do I!

JANE

That’s sort of…

RANKUS

Everyone should buy their own Texas!

JANE

If you’re saying financial independence and account…

RANKUS (INTERRUPTING AGAIN)

Objection, Your Honor. You're not allowed to prosecute me for nothing. You can’t have my Texas because I didn’t purchase one!

JANE

I think what you’re trying to say is something a lot of people in this city have been saying. Barberton is pretty nice as is. We have wonderful parks. We have programs that help the poorest among us get the food and resources they need to survive. We have a beautiful community center that is free for all citizens. Our city workers keep the streets and public buildings repaired and up to code. Everything is great!

So why in the world are the people of this city paying taxes? For what? We already have all the things we need.

They call me Sane Jane because I am pragmatic and practical. And I say if the city is already great, there is no need to take money from our hard working citizens. It makes no sense to me!

Say yes to Sane Jane Alberts if you want to say no to paying taxes. That’s the Sane Jane guarantee.

RANKUS

Texas. Don’t talk about Texas. The pride of paying your Texas. That’s right! There isn’t a receipt for Texas because I never made the purchase! And neither did Sane Jane! She wants no Texas! I want no Texas! I’ve always hated the state of Texas.

SFX: DOOR OPENING AND FOOTSTEPS AS SOMEONE IS COMING IN

TODD

Hello? Anyone home? I’m here for my interview.

JANE

Rankus, did you set up an interview with Todd Todderton in my house?

RANKUS

RANKUS EXPLAINS THAT JANE AND TODD WILL ACTUALLY BE INTERVIEWING EACH OTHER

JANE

While I’m not happy about this situation, I respect your right to force me to interview a competing mayoral candidate in my own home with zero warning.

TODD

I’m just happy to get the press. I’ve been running for mayor ever since I was 18 years old, and this is the first time I’ve ever been on the radio. I hope I don’t blow it...

JANE

I knew you ran for mayor a lot of times, but I didn’t realize you started running for mayor since you were a baby.

TODD

It’s the only thing I’ve ever done. When I became a legal adult, my parents could have me either run for mayor or get a job. I had only been alive for 18 days, so they thought I would be better at running for mayor. I’ve been running every election since.

I like to think I’m pretty good at it!

JANE

You picked wrong.

TODD

Oh no, my parents picked for me. Did they make a mistake?

JANE

They turned you into a loser. No offense.

TODD

None taken. I’m just excited to talk to someone who isn’t my mom and dad for once. All the other babies chose to work in the factories, so I never really made any friends.

JANE

Nor do you deserve friends. Listen, this is exactly my problem with our so-called “Government”. Most of us have been working hard and earning money ever since we turned 18, yet here you are, running for mayor every four days, and you never worked a day of your life.

TODD

I like to think running for mayor is my job.

JANE

Let me see your hands…

Exactly what I thought! You still have all your baby fingers. I have to tell you, nobody is going to vote for someone who didn’t lose their baby fingers in the factories. People want candidates with robot fingers.

TODD

I never thought of it that way. Do you think I should cut off my fingers so people will vote for me?

JANE

That would be a start.

TODD

Can you do it for me? I’ve never used a knife before.

JANE

How about this? If I am elected mayor, I will personally cut off your fingers.

TODD (HOPEFUL FOR THE FIRST TIME IN HIS LIFE)

Really? Say, that would be great. What else would you do if you became mayor?

JANE

Ever hear of taxes?

RANKUS

Texas!

JANE

If I’m elected mayor, I will get rid of all taxes.

TODD

Wow, you would do that for me?

JANE

I would do that for everyone. I think our city is great as is. We don’t need to take money from the people anymore. Why do we keep charging our citizens for a product they already have? I say, give the people a voice -- not an invoice.

TODD

Is that your campaign slogan? That’s pretty swell.

JANE

It is now. What’s your campaign slogan?

TODD

I’m still trying to come up with one. So far, I have “Todd”. Is that any good?

JANE

It’s just your first name…

TODD

Should I add my last name?

JANE

Only if another Todd runs.

TODD

Oh man, I didn’t consider that another Todd might run for mayor. Maybe I should change my name. You’re not a “Todd”, are you?

JANE

Sane Jane Alberts is my name.

TODD

Well, you have my vote.

JANE

But you’re running against me.

TODD

Oh right. Maybe I should vote for myself, then?

JANE

It depends, Todd. What’s your platform?

TODD

Platform?

JANE

The issues you’re running on. What will you do for the city if you become mayor?

TODD

Taxes… I’d make sure there are no taxes if I become mayor.

RANKUS

Texas!

JANE

That’s my platform, Todd.

TODD

Oh man, I’m blowing this. Can you just tell me what my platform is?

JANE

You’ve been running for mayor since you were a baby, and you don’t have a platform yet?

RANKUS

Excuse me. I’ve got so many stories and so many sources texting me about all kinds of things.

SFX: RANKUS STANDING UP AND WALKING TOWARDS THE DOOR AND THE DOOR OPENING

JANE

Hey! Where are you going? We’re in the middle of this interview…

SFX: THE DOOR SHUTS

SEGMENT 3: TUBULAR TIMESHARES

RANKUS

Sometimes I lose what I’m talking about, but you know what? I’ve had my arm for Tubular Timeshares.

What I’ve been eyeing and I wanted to talk to you the people about is a romaine lettuce rug. I plan on putting the rug in my foyer. You guys, if you want to go in on the share, you guys can have it on Tuesday. And I’ll take it every other day of the week because I entertain a lot of guests and have a lot of events at my house. Well, my sources come in to carry that news and nobody else knows. I want them to sit and lay and spread themselves on my romaine lettuce rug that I’ll share with you for one day a week. So if you’re down with that, then let’s share rugs together.

Tubular Time Shares also does really cool things like:

EXT: THE BEACH

TUBULAR TONY

Get totally tubular! Whooooooa!

What’s up, bruhs? I’m riding some sick wa-wa-what the fuck?

SFX: A HUGE WAVE AND SOME CRASHING SOUNDS

CONCERNED CITIZEN

Oh my god! Someone call 911! There’s so much blood! Please, someone? Does anyone have a phone? This man is dying!

SFX: AMBULANCE SIRENS

PARAMEDIC 1

Get the stretcher! We need to get this man to a hospital quick!

PARAMEDIC 2

There’s so much blood…

PARAMEDIC 1

Get the goddamn stretcher!

PARAMEDIC 2

Is that his liver? I’m going to be sick!

SFX: A LOT OF PUKING

PARAMEDIC 1

Listen, rook. I know it’s your first day on the job, but you need to get your head in the game. Why did you become an EMT?

PARAMEDIC 2

Because my mom died in a surfing accident, and nobody was there to save her… I wasn’t… I… I wasn’t there to save her.

PARAMEDIC 1

Today is your chance to be the person you wish had been there to save your mother on that horrible day when she died in a surfing accident.

PARAMEDIC 2

I don’t know… I get what you’re saying, but this man looks nothing like my mother. I can’t… I can’t do it… Maybe if he had similar hair?

PARAMEDIC 1

I happen to keep an assortment of wigs in the ambulance. Grab whatever wig looks closest to your mother’s hair and grab that goddamn stretcher. Then you come back here and help me save this surfer.

PARAMEDIC 2

On it!

SFX: RUNNING SOUNDZ

PARAMEDIC 1

Sir, can you hear me?

TUBULAR TONY

W...wha...what?

PARAMEDIC 1

You’re going to be okay, sir. We have a wig and stretcher on the way. We will save you.

TUBULAR TONY

Did you see that bomb? I totally almost hung ten.

PARAMEDIC 1

I’m sorry to say, you axed it instead.

TUBULAR TONY

Bummer.

SFX: PARAMEDIC 2 RUNNING BACK

PARAMEDIC 2

I got the stretcher and the wig!

PARAMEDIC 1

Quick, put the wig on him!

PARAMEDIC 2

There…

We’re going to lift you onto the stretcher now, Mom.

TUBULAR TONY

Sick surfboard you have there… uh… what’s your name?

PARAMEDIC 2

She doesn’t remember my name…

PARAMEDIC 1

Listen to me! Your mother has experienced a lot of trauma. She will remember who you are one day, but we need to save her life first.

PARAMEDIC 2

Right.

PARAMEDIC 1

Okay, 1, 2, 3…. Lift!

PARAMEDIC 2 (SIMULTANEOUSLY)

Lift!

TUBULAR TONY

Where are we going?

PARAMEDIC 2

We’re surfing you up to an ambulance, Mommy.

TUBULAR TONY

My name is Tony… I don’t think I’m your…

PARAMEDIC 2 (INTERRUPTING)

Save your energy, Mommy. We’re almost there.

SFX: AMBULANCE SIRENS

EXT: OUTSIDE THE HOSPITAL

PARAMEDIC 2

We need a doctor! We need a doctor! My mother is dying! She was in a surfing accident!

DOCTOR

I’m a doctor!

PARAMEDIC 2

Save her life or I swear I’ll kill you.

PARAMEDIC 1

Cool it!

Let’s head to the waiting room. Hey, it’s in the doctor’s hands now.

SFX: HOSPITAL ROOM SOUNDS/BEEPS/ETC

INT: A HOSPITAL ROOM

DOCTOR

Oh good, you’re awake. It was touch and go for a moment, but you’re going to be fine. I expect you to make a full recovery.

I’ll leave you alone with your daughter. She saved your life, you know.

PARAMEDIC 2

How do you feel, Mom?

TUBULAR TONY

Do I know you?

PARAMEDIC 2

I’m your daughter. The doctors said it may take awhile for you to get all your memories back. This is common in cases of extreme trauma.

TUBULAR TONY

What happened to my surfboard?

PARAMEDIC 2

I’m afraid it didn’t make it.

TUBULAR TONY

Bummer. I can’t afford a new board. They’re really expensive.

PARAMEDIC 2

Well, how often do you need it, Mommy?

TUBULAR TONY

Like, three days a week from the months of May to September…

PARAMEDIC 2

Including May and September or what?

TUBULAR TONY

Starting May 1st and ending as soon as September 1st hits.

PARAMEDIC 2

So you only need a surfboard for three days a week, four months of the year?

TUBULAR TONY

That’s right.

PARAMEDIC 2

Then why would you buy a surfboard like you’re going to use it seven days a week, every month of the year?

TUBULAR TONY

It’s not like I can just pay for the portion of the surfboard I’m going to use, right?

PARAMEDIC 2

Wrong. You always were a complete idiot, Mom. Clearly, you’ve never heard of Tubular Timeshares.

TUBULAR TONY

Tubular Timeshares? That speaks to me personally. You know, people call me Tubular Tony because I can get pretty wild riding those waves.

PARAMEDIC 2 (SCREAMING)

They do not call you that! Your name is Stephanie Miller, and you are my mother! Say it! Say that you are my mother!

TUBULAR TONY

Okay, okay… I’m your mother… Uh, Steph…

PARAMEDIC 2 (CALMING DOWN)

Stephanie. Yes.

Anyway, with Tubular Timeshares, you only need to pay for as much of a product as you’re going to use.

TUBULAR TONY

Who pays for the rest?

PARAMEDIC 2

Glad you asked. You share the cost and the product with other people who only want to use a product for part of the time as well.

TUBULAR TONY

Oh, so that’s why it’s called a timeshare. It’s like I’m buying shares of a product to use it for part of the time.

PARAMEDIC 2

Let’s check out some surfboards

SFX: TYPING

PARAMEDIC 2

Here we go. This is a pretty nice surfboard. Right, Mommy?

TUBULAR TONY

But $3,000… It’s nice but expensive.

PARAMEDIC 2

But you only need to use the surfboard for about a sixth of the year, which means you only need to pay….

TUBULAR TONY

...a sixth of the cost. Hey, that’s only $500.

PARAMEDIC 2

And some other people will pick up the rest.

TUBULAR TONY

Hey, this is pretty cool. I wish I used this to buy other stuff I only use some of the time. It would be pretty epic to share stuff like my oven or TV that I only use for a few hours a day.

PARAMEDIC 2

That’s what makes Tubular Timeshares so much better than other timeshare programs, Mommy. You can even sell shares in products you already own. That way you can recoup some of the cost from an oven or television that’s just sitting there doing nothing.

TUBULAR TONY

Radical!

RANKUS

You’re the jury. You decide who gets to share what when you log onto Tubular Timeshares.

Objection, Rankus!

Overturned!

This is the type of hard hitting digging that I’ve always done. That’s just me talking. You can tell that I’ve already done the hard digging, the deep dive digging into Sane Jane.

SEGMENT 4: SANE JANE ALBERTS ATTACK AD

ATTACK AD GUY

Jane Alberts claims to be anti-taxes.

JANE (PRESUMED CLIPS OF PUBLIC STATEMENT SHE’S MADE)

No taxes!

I’m against taxes.

They call me Sane Jane Alberts because the only sane position anyone can have is no taxes. Ever.

ATTACK AD GUY

But recent IRS documents show Jane has actually paid her taxes on several occasions.

A mayoral candidate who claims to be anti-taxes despite paying her taxes? Maybe we should send IN-Sane Jane Alberts back to Texas where tax-loving people belong.

JANE

I’m Sane Jane Alberts, and I support this ad. I promise if I am voted mayor of Barberton, I will never pay my taxes again, and neither will you. I’m the only person in Barberton who can get rid of taxes because I’m the only person in Barberton who regularly pays their taxes.

ATTACK AD GUY

This ad was paid for by the Committee To Elect Sane Jane Alberts.

SEGMENT 5: CIGARETTES: SPORT

CIGARETTE GUY

And this episode of Ad Read is brought to you by the cool, refreshing flavor of Cigarettes: Sport.

Whether you’re running a marathon or playing a game of Church League Softball with your fellow cultists, Cigarettes: Sport is the perfect pick-me-up to get you through your athletic endeavors.

The fantastic scientists at the Cigarettes lab found a way to infuse Cigarettes: Sport with 30% more nicotine and a healthy amount of pure, uncut Afgani cocaine. A few long drags on one of these babies, and you’ll be running faster, jumping higher and thinking with the speed of a jet fighter pilot. That’s pretty alright.

So, the next time you’re taking part in your favorite sport, give Cigarettes: Sport a try. I think you’ll think it’s fannnntastic.

SEGMENT 6: OUTRO

RANKUS SAYS GOODBYEZ.



Intro
Landing
No Texas
Tubular Time Shares
More Like IN-Sane Jane Alberts
Cigarettes: Sport
Outro